Conversations I Want to Have With My Dogs

I have friends that have said, "Life would be so much easier, if their young children could just speak or understand what is being said to them." I have the same feeling about Da Boyz, if they could just understand what I was saying and if I could understand what they were thinking, life would be a breeze! I imagine what it would be like having conversations with them. (Yea, yea, yea, I know . . .  get a life!) Each dog would have his own persona, I imagine Paco talking very quickly, stuttering, and being very straightforward. Flip, on the other hand, would be somewhat smug and Fonzielike or like Joey on Friends.

Me: Paco, we need to talk.

Paco: What, what, what about?

Me: First, the barking.

Paco: I am just, just, just making sure you know people are coming.

Me: Okay, if you just barked once, I would know and look out and see who it is. You don't need to bark continually, incessantly, and the worst part, Bud, is it get more high pitched as you continue barking. 

Paco: Are you, are you, are you saying I bark like a girl?

Me: Well, that and too much.

Paco: I am just, just, just looking out for you. As your owner it is my respon, respon, responsibility to watch out for you! Can't a chickachickawowwow get a break?

Me: Okay, let's just change the subject. What about the twirling?

Paco: I don't twirl. I don't twirl. I don't twirl.

Me: Sorry, Bud, but you do. You have to twirl three times before you go out the door. You twirl when we go for walks. You twirl when anyone enters the house. You twirl all the time.

Paco: I don't know what you are talking about. I don't know what you are talking about. I don't know what you are talking about. You don't see me pointing out your quirks, do you?

Me: Okay, that was a lost cause! Next! Flip?

Flip: (nodding his head) Hey, what you doing?

Me: I do not like you licking my mouth. It is difficult for me to push you away because I can't lift my hands that high.

Flip: (looking out the window)

Me: FLIP!

Flip: Huh? You talking to me, Sweetcheeks?

Me: Yes, I am.

Flip: Little Brother Lizard is under the kissing rock. What did you say?

Me: I do not like you licking my mouth. It is difficult for me to push you away because I can't lift my hands that high.

Flip: Heeeeeey,  Lick? All the ladies love my kisses.

Me: Flip, I am not one of the ladies that love it, would you please stop?

Flip: I think Little Brother Lizard is in the flowers, now.

Me: Flip, one other thing. When I take you out to go to the bathroom would you just poop and get it over with? I am tired of searching for a special pooping spot!

Flip: I think I see Big Daddy!

Me: Are you listening?

Flip: Yeeeeeeup, cool dudes don't discuss pooping. 

Me: Okay, what about your obsession with chasing lizards? Will you talk about that?

Flip: YEA! I love lizards. Did you see the one I was after this morning? Where do they go? How do they get themselves under the planters? Do lizards have pets, too? Do you think Big Daddy and Little Brother Lizard plan their escapes? How many lizards are outside? Could we keep some inside? Can I have one? Can I? Can I? Huh? Whoa! I am tired! I think it is time for a nap. Thanks for the convo!

Paco's Perspective and The Flip Side

Paco: (talking to Flip) Can you believe her? Questioning my loyalty! I don't twirl. I don't twirl. I don't twirl.

Flip: Yea, ya do, BIG BOY! We all have our issues. I bet she wouldn't like it, if we told everyone about her special issues. 

Paco: Yea, yea, yea what about when she

Flip: Zip it! Here she come.

Me: Boyz, do you want to go for a walk?

Paco: Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Flip: I am going on a LIZARD HUNT! Coooooooooooooool!

Get a Clue, Knucklehead

I haven't watched the news in a long time, and the other day when I watched it I realized why I haven't been watching it. I try to look on the bright side of things as often as I can, and watching the news can send one into a deep depression or make one seethe with anger. Yesterday I was seething!

There was a legislator (I didn't hear the knucklehead's name) on the news and he was discussing the Education Report Card. Arizona received a D overall but received a B- in reform. The gentleman kept expounding about how Florida's education system is so much better than Arizona. "Florida's ELL students score higher on state standardized tests than any other students. This state needs to do what Florida is doing . . . . . . blah, blah, blah" 

But when the interviewer, Kim Covington, said, "But Florida budgets more money towards its education program and it has a much lower teacher to student ratio than Arizona. Is the Arizona legislature willing to allocate more money to education like Florida?"

Knucklehead replied, "Unfortunately, we can't do that. We just need to make sure teachers are working harder"

This is where I started shouting at the T.V., "You big knucklehead that is like saying I want the top of the line BMW, but I only have enough money for a Ford Focus; I guess my wife will just have to peddle harder!"

Arizona cut $270M from the education budget and eliminated $362M in new school facilities.

Arizona spends less per student than almost any other state in the nation.

Arizona spend about $5,000 per student and Florida, the state Knucklehead wants us to be like, spends about $9,000 per student. 

Dear knucklehead, 

If you want the top of the line education system, you must be willing to pay for it. Our ELL students were making huge strides when our teacher to student ratio in ELL classrooms was about 15 to 1. The teacher to student ratio in ELL classrooms is now about 28 to 1 with about 25% of the students being monolingual. In the mainstream classrooms the ratio is 32 to 1, and in many classrooms it is more than that.  I think you should be tied to a rickety, falling apart student desk, locked in a mildewy, nonair-conditioned classroom with 36 burping, farting fourth graders.

Love,

Someone that needs to work harder.

P. S. Stack 'em deep and teach 'em cheap does not work.

I am going back to watching reality T. V. and Law and Order reruns. 

Paco's Perspective

YIKES! Calm down, Little Lady!

The Flip Side

I am glad all I worry about is treats and lizards. Hey, are lizards on T.V.?

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

The relationship between a woman and her hairdresser is a special relationship. We women search high and low for the perfect hairdo and the one person that can create that hairdo ingeniously. The perfect hairdresser will kindly and gently tell the client if the hairdo chosen sucks. The perfect hairdresser will make the client feel like the client has made all the decisions when the client really hasn't made any decisions at all; the client has just been gently guided by the perfect hairdresser. When we women find the one and only hairdresser we will follow that hairdresser anywhere. If the hairdresser goes to a chi-chi salon, we will follow and pay exorbitant prices. When the hairdresser leaves a salon and no one at the salon will reveal where the hairdresser went, we will hone into our private detective skills and find the hairdresser. Usually a couple bucks given to the shampoo girl will get you what you need.  Yes, we women will follow our hairdressers through the gates of hell to achieve the perfect do.

Women and their hairdressers are not really friends. We don't break bread or uncork wine together, but we usually know every teeny-tiny intricate detail about each others lives. During the small amount of time we spend together we talk and talk and talk and talk. Our hairdressers know about our jobs, children, husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends, pets, favorite books, etc., etc., etc. We women tell our hairdressers things we would never tell our closest friend. If you asked us why we tell our hairdressers everything, we will not have an answer; we women just do.

A year or so ago I found him, the "perfect hairdresser". Believe it or not I found him at a Cost Cutters! There is nothing closer to nirvana than the perfect hairdresser at a reasonable price. Dana knows everything about me: where I work, what grades I have taught, who I live with, who I used to live with, how many dogs I have, what their names are, my likes, my dislikes, etc., etc., etc. Dana is a bit over-the-top and flamboyant. He is a functional alcoholic with the emphasis on functional. He has no car and rides a bike everywhere. He hates the manager at Cost Cutters but he needs a job. Dana takes great care of me and I tip him very well in return for his care. When I come in he only does my hair. He doesn't start others' color or cut others' hair (except for Janet's hair) while we wait for my color to process. I hate it when hairdressers do ten other jobs while they are suppose to be doing my hair. (I told you I was a bitch.) 

Alas! I went yesterday to my "perfect hairdresser" and he wasn't so perfect. Janet and I were waiting in the lobby for Dana who had just stepped out. When he entered my back was to him and he was talking to Janet over me and I could immediately tell something was wrong. He was talking about his hair and kept saying he was a rock star, but to me the words "rock star" sounded like "rosh tar".  He was using very inappropriate language and I knew something was wrong!

Dana: Ccccchome on back. (looking at Janet) Immmmm goooonna needsh you help cuz Imma rosh tar.

At that point my eyes were about to bug out of my head. As we went back to his chair I saw that the manager was there and my greatest concern was for Dana and that he was going to lose his job. When we got to his chair he fell into the seat looked me directly in the eye and said, "Whash the hell do shoo want?" The way the words came out of his mouth it sound like he was hocking a loogie.

Me: First, I need to speak to you outside.

Dana: O (hocking a loogie) kay.

Me: That means you need to get out of the chair and come with me.

We finally made it out the door.

Me: What is wrong with you? Are you drunk or high?

Dana: Maaaaaaaybe both cuz imma rosh tar

Me: Why do you find it necessary to drink and use while you are working?

Dana: (starting to tear up): O (hocking a loogie) kay, Immmmmmmm gooooonna tell you everything and then I am going to melt in your arms.

Me: (thinking, "Please, God, no! I don't think I could catch him!")

Dana: Dish rosh tar ish leeeeeaving.

Me: Where are you going?

Dana: A ras ka

Me: (thinking there is probably not much demand for over-the-top, flamboyant, alcoholic hairdressers in Alaska) When are you leaving?

Dana: Zaaaa 27th

Me: That is some time away and I am thinking you need this job until then. I care about you and I don't want you to get fired. The "dragon lady" (his words not mine) is in there.

Dana: O (hocking a loogie) kay. I can dooooooooo dish cuz imma rosh tar.

Me: You can dye and cut my hair? 

Dana: I cannnn toooone it dow. Tell me to tow it dow.

Me: (thinking I am going to go home earless and with bright fuschia hair): Tone it down! I am giving you one chance.

And then he got belligerent. I can handle sloppy, emotional drunks but I cannot handle belligerent drunks.

Dan: Whooooo do you tink you are, bitch? Sshtaying you give me one more chance. Fuh You imma rosh tar.

I went inside and told Janet to grab her purse because we were out of there. I didn't want to become the crippled, fuchsia colored hair version of Vincent Van Gogh. I am not angry at Dana I actually have empathy for him, but who I am really upset with is the manager. How dare she allow him to work with customers in that state. His state of drunkedness or highness was easily obvious. After hearing the conversation Janet had with her inside while I was outside makes me even more angry. The "dragon lady" (sorry, I don't know her name) was dying a customer's hair.

I step out with Dana.

Dragon Lady:(asking Janet)  Should I go out there?

Lady in Chair: Yes

Janet: No, Cathy can handle herself. Don't you notice that something is wrong with him?

Lady in Chair: Yes

Dragon Lady: No, he is always like that. He IS an alcoholic.

Janet: He is always like THAT? Slurring and stumbling? Flipping people off? He can't even stand up.

Dragon Lady: Well, he is leaving. Do you think I should go out there?

Lady in Chair: YES

Janet: NO

At that point I came in and got Janet. She was visibly upset. She said, "I kept telling the manger to not go out there because you could handle yourself, but I was thinking about how I was going to explain to Caren that you were stabbed to death by your over-the-top, flamboyant, alcoholic hairdresser." On our way home Janet suggested we stop at Walgreen's and get some color in a box. We did and as I was scanning the millions of boxes of hair dye I was thinking I might as well get one of those home perms also and then I could have "easy hair" that matches my "easy clothes".

And now a new search has begun for the perfect hairdresser again because I am NOT following Dana to A ras ka!

Paco's Perspective

I hear you clucking, big chicken. I hate it when you take us to someone other than Miss Apple. Remember in Montana this summer someone almost chopped my tail off and I had an owie for weeks.

The Flip Side

Do lizards have to get haircuts? Do you think that is where they are today? I haven't found a single one!

I Used to . . . . . . . But Now I . . . . . . .

This year the theme at my school is "If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies." The state of Arizona and the Cartwright District has gone through some amazing changes. Unfortunately, the major load of "change" has fallen on the teachers. "They" are asking teachers to do more and more with less and less; less money and especially less time. (Don't even get me started on the 4 hour ELD block. The state department needs some lessons in mental math.) As I think about all the changes that teachers are expected to go through I think about how many changes I have made. I have made huge changes in my teaching styles and philosophies. It hasn't been easy, but it is what is best for students.

Then as I think about the changes I have made at work I think about the changes I have made in my own life and I have found that there are many changes about me:

I used to be adventurous. For being a crippled kid I have done some amazing things. I have gone river rafting. I have been hot air ballooning. I have been desert jeeping. I have ridden in a glider plane. I have had my wheelchair in places it never should have gone. I have been camping and motorcycle riding. I worked out three days a week. I was game for anything. If someone was willing to get me somewhere, I willing to do it. "Sure, toss me in that balloon or throw me over your shoulder and let's climb that mountain!" And then it happened, my car accident and I became a wimp. I am afraid to do anything. I am now always worried that I am going to fall out of my chair and it is going to hurt. I used to be adventurous but now I am a wimp!

I used to be patient. I could wait forever for something. For example, once I wanted this coffee table and I visited the furniture store every Saturday for six months until I saved enough money to get it. Six months! For a coffee table! I used to be patient with people. I didn't mind answering the same question eighty times a day. I didn't mind sending out the same reminder to get something done daily and then have someone not get it done. I am no longer patient. Wait . . . I am very patient with children. It's adults I am not patient with.  I cannot tolerate shtupid adults. I know, there are times I have been very shtupid and I should have patience with others, but my shtupidity usually only affects me. Now, I get very snarky with people. I don't care what your job is just make it your goal to do it well and don't keep asking shtupid questions. I used to be patient, but now I don't even have the patience to try to be patient.

I used to dress for glamour.  I dressed hip. I had matching shoes, earrings and necklaces for every outfit. Sometimes I spent more for accessories than I did for the outfit. My favorite line from the movie Steel Magnolias was: "Our ability to accessorize is what separates us from the animals." I was in style and it didn't matter how uncomfortable I was; the only thing that mattered was that I looked good. Who cared if I couldn't breathe? And now I dress for comfort. Actually, I blame my handicap. It is getting more and more difficult for me to do things, and to be able to keep going I have to give up somethings and glamour happens to be one of those things. I used to be glamorous but now I wouldn't know style if it slapped because easy clothes are not stylish.

I used to NOT be a dog person. As a child, I had pets and they were nice to have around. When they passed it was sad but not overly devastating. As an adult I never wanted a dog. What does a crippled kid need with a dog. I have enough trouble taking care of myself why would I want to care for an animal? And then Janet kept bugging about getting a dog. She insisted I needed a little buddy. Then I got it in my head and my lack of patience took over and I just got one. And now I have become a dog person. I have become a two dog person! I cannot imagine my life without "Da Boyz"! I have complete conversations with them. We go everywhere together.  But they have earned there keep. I stopped taking my blood pressure medicine over a year ago and I believe it is because of Da Boyz.  Da Boyz keep me busy. Da Boyz keep me active. Da Boyz make me laugh. And no matter how impatient, unfriendly or bitchy that I am Da Boyz still love me. I used to NOT be a dog person, but now life without Da Boyz would be uninmaginable!

I used to think I couldn't live without a man. What was I thinking? If I wasn't handicapped, I would be living in a cabin in the woods of Montana baking bread with only Da Boyz. Dogs do what you ask and love you no matter what!

As I think about what I used to be or do I realize many of these changes come with age. I used to be young but now I am old. There are things that will never change about me: I will always be grateful to those who have been there for me, I will always love accolades; I am a frustrated actress, I will always be bitchy and opinionated;that is just the way I am, I will ALWAYS love my job and strive to do the best at my job, I will always put my trust in God and I pray that I will always be quick-witted. If there is ever a time I am not quick-witted, get a big pillow!

Paco's Perspective

I used to be tiny but now I am stocky.

I used to be your one and only but now I have to share.

I used to twirl, oh, wait, I still do.

The Flip Side

I used to be hungry but then I found you guys.

I used to used to be young and stupid but now I am . . . . 

Let me try again, I used to be obsessed with lizards but now I am . . . . . 

Okay, never mind, did you see that lizard outside? I think it was Big Daddy.

You Want Me to Do What?

The other day I made an attempt to order some parts for my wheelchair. My front tires are spent and I should have ordered them sometime ago, but there are times when I just hate jumping through hoops just to give someone my money. I called the company I ALWAYS go through for my wheelchair, and so I thought it would be somewhat easy and I would be able to get it done during my lunch break. Here is my conversation with the young man in the service department:


Julio: Service department, this is Hay yao. (It kind of sounded like Julio but I am not sure)

Me: I need to order some parts for my chair. I need two front tires and a side pad. 


Julio: What kida wheels you need?

Me (being the smart ass that I am): I was thinking I could use the round kind. But really I need two front tires.

I am think that the above smart ass comment got Julio and me off on the wrong foot. I was leading with my left foot and he was leading with his right foot and we couldn't get in sync with the music.


Julio: Do you mean the tires in the front? By the front casters?

Me (thinking to myself this guy sounds shtupid): Yes, my front tires are in the front and those are the ones I need.


Julio: What kind of chair do you have?


Me: I have an electric Invacare MK6i.


Julio: What's that mean?


Me (starting to get worried): It's electric and the name of it is an Invacare.


Julio: What size tires do you want?


Me: I don't know should I measure them?


Julio: You could come here and then I could see what kind of tire you need.

Me: I live in Buckeye about fifty miles from your company and my work is about thirty miles from your company. I really don't want to drive all that way just so you can look at the tires.


Julio (starting to get P Od): You need to give me the serial number.


Me: Well, I don't have any of the paperwork with me, but I get my chair fixed their all the time and I bought the chair from your company wouldn't you have me in the computer?


Julio: Yea, no.


Me (thinking, Yea, no? What the ____ is yea no?) The gentleman that sold me the chair is named Matt and his cubicle is maybe ten yards away from the service desk. Maybe he would have the paperwork on file.


Julio: The serial number is on your chair.


Me: Okay, where would that be?


Julio: It is on the inside of the frame or under the seat. You need to kinda crawl under the chair and look for it. 


Me: You want me to get out of my chair and get on the ground and crawl under the chair and look for the serial number.


Julio: There is also a box in the back of the chair and you could remove the lid and look there.


Me: Oh, so if I don't want to get on the floor I can JUST get out of my chair and WALK around to the back and find the serial number.


Julio (shouting at someone in the background): No, I don't have that chair done yet. I have to help this lady and then I have to run to St. Joe's and fix something over there. 


Me: Probably before you start shouting at people in the background you might want to put the phone on hold.


Julio: Huh? Did you find that serial number?

Me: Well, Julio, I have some bad news for you. I am HANDICAPPED AND I CAN'T WALK, so it is virtually impossible for me to GET OUT OF my wheelchair and WALK around to the back or CRAWL underneath. I am thinking that YOU could walk the ten yards to Matt's cubicle and seek his assistance.


Julio (shouting to someone in the background, AGAIN): No, I ain't done and I haven't had no lunch yet.


Me: That would be not and any.

Julio: Huh?


Me: I am not done and I haven't had any lunch, yet. (The grammar teacher in me can't let anything slide.)

Julio: Me neither, did you find that serial number yet?


That was it. That was the last straw. I had to release the mean bitch.

Me (with a little bit of snippy in my voice): Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't you go fix that chair that you should have had done a long time ago, go run your errand at St. Joe's and on the way back stop and get a little bite to eat. While you are out I'll call Matt and do your job for you and get the serial number, since apparently you are unable to walk across your establishment and speak to Matt. I am thinking if you didn't want to get up you could shout his name and he might answer, but don't strain yourself!


Julio: Okay (and he hung up).


I  would just like Julio to know that he is lucky I am crippled or I would snatch him bald-headed, I would knock him into next week, I would take him out, I would make like Dirty Harry and make his day, It would be me and Julio down by the schoolyard!

Paco's Perspective

Do you want me to beat Julio up?

The Flip Side

Do you think Julio can chase lizards?

Because of Because of Winn Dixie

Because of Winn Dixie is a book written by Kate DiCamillo. It is about a girl, Opal, and her relationships with her preacher father and a variety of friends in a small town where she and her father recently moved. Winn Dixie is a stray dog she finds causing havoc in the produce department of the Winn Dixie grocery store (thus the name Winn Dixie). Winn Dixie leads Opal to meet new people and form a better relationship with her distant father. When Opal nears her tenth birthday she asks her father for a special gift. She wants him to tell her ten things about her estranged mother that left them some time ago. 

Because of Because of Winn Dixie I have my students write 10 Things People Need to Know About Me. It gives me an excellent insight into my students. So, Because of Because of Winn Dixie I want to write 10 Things People Need to Know About Me:

1. I love my job. I have been teaching for thirty-one years and I can't imagine doing anything else. It is a hard job and many times a thankless job, but I love every minute of it. I love the hard work. I love the stress. I love the newness of each day. I love the kids. I love my job.

2. I have a need to be needed. This is somewhat strange because I am very much a loner. I think it is because I am handicapped and I depend on others for assistance with things that no one else would need assistance with, and I have this need to help others. Since, I am handicapped I really can't help others physically. I once had a friend that always asked my advice. I really miss that friend because when i was with this person I always felt needed.

3. There are days I wish I drank. I used to drink socially but I don't like the feeling of not being in control (another issue of mine) so I stopped. But there are days when I think an ice cold beer would taste great!

4. I am not very friendly. I keep my invisible walls around me reinforced at all times. I don't have very many friends because of it. So actually when my sister, Caren, is joking with me about how I don't have any friends it really isn't a joke. I am sure some psychologist could get to my deep seeded emotions that keep me from being friendly, but then I would have to take down my walls and actually talk to someone.

5. I wish I could dance. Someday I will.

6. I miss driving. I loved to drive. It was the one thing I could do without any assistance. When I drove I felt free and independent. True independence is the one unreachable goal for many handicapped people. In 1998 I was in a horrible car accident and I haven't driven since that time. I miss driving.

7. I worry and worry and worry. I worry about having to rely on others. I worry about money. I worry about where I am going to be in the future. I worry about how long I will be able to physically continue to work. I worry about how long I will be able to physically travel to Montana. But don't worry I am just a worrier, if you knew me, you wouldn't ever think I was a worrier.

8. I really do care. I know I am standoffish. I know I am not very friendly (not very friendly is another way of saying I am a bitch). But, I really do care.

9. I am a big crybaby. My daddy always said that if you look at me cross-eyed I would cry. My movie rating system is based on how many Kleenexes I use while watching the a movie. I would cry if I saw a complete stranger crying. If teardrops were diamonds, I would be the richest woman on earth.


10. I cherish my Montana summers. I can't imagine a summer without visiting Montana. If you have never been to Montana, you must go. Montana's breathtaking beauty is indescribable! Just go, and make sure it is not in the winter.


As I was writing these ten things I began to think of more things: I am a book lover, I love my life, I never thought I would be a dog person, I can't tolerate stupid adults, I love to watch T.V., I can't carry a tune in a paper bag, I love to do random acts of kindness, I have a great family, I hate the cold! So many things so little time.

Paco's Perspective

Excuse me, but where is I love Paco, Paco is my best bud, Paco has improved my life, without Paco I would be a nobody?

The Flip Side

I like to chase lizards. I like to chase lizards. I like to chase lizards. I like to chase lizards. I like to chase lizards. I like to chase lizards. I like to chase lizards. I like to chase lizards. I like to chase lizards. I like to chase lizards.

 

10 Things I Want to Say to 10 Different People

This title is not my original idea. I got the idea from a fellow blogger, but I did asked permission to use it. I'm going to change things up a bit because I am weird like that. I will write the ten things I want to say to ten different people, but I am NOT writing down the names of the ten people. (Chicken!) That way the people that know me will have to wonder to whom I am referring AND I have very few friends so I should probably try not to insult the few friends I have left. Actually, the rude comments aren't for any friends.

1. Really, you're not as great as you think you are.

2. I appreciate all that you do for me. I am sure I don't say it enough.

3. Stop making excuses, pull up your big girl/boy panties, cowboy up and just do your job, and if you can't do that, I hear they are hiring at Walmart.

4. You broke my heart. Wait . . . .you didn't just break my heart, you ripped my broken bleeding heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground and stomped.

5. Believe in yourself!

6. College, career and then boys. The boys will always be there, waiting!

7. Speak a little louder, please, I can't hear you or I'm not listening.

8. I am sorry.

9. Please pass the pitcher of margaritas and a straw.

10. Si se puede!

When one doesn't use names one can be very honest and incredibly blunt.

Paco's Perspective

1. He took all my toys. 2. Twirling is not an obsessive compulsion it is a hobby. 3. I don't like the name Sir Barksalot. 4. Really, they are just lizards don't waste so much energy. 5. Please, scratch my butt. 6. Go ahead, go on the walk without me, I'll just wait here in the air conditioning. 7. I miss drinking from your wine glass. 8. Who invited Flip to stay? 9. I am not fat. 10. I am STOCKY!

The Flip Side

1. Did you see that lizard? 2. Let me out, I think I can get him this time. 3. Really, this time I will get him. 4. Just let me out one more time, I promise I will get the lizard this time. 5. Did you see that lizard? 6. Let me out, I think I can get him this time. 7. Really, this time I will get him. 8. Just let me out one more time, I promise I will get the lizard this time. 9. I really have to poop, will you please open Janet's door? 10. STOCKY? No! FAT? Yes!

If Snookie Can Do It . . . . . .

I love reality TV. I get completely involved in people's lives, and generally they would be people I wouldn't care about. I worry about what is going to happen to the people in the shows. Remember I cried when Captain Phil died. I love them all: Jersey Shore, Jerseyliscious, Big Brother, Whale Wars, Amazing Wedding Cakes, Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers, The Real Housewives of Orange County, New York, Atlanta, New Jersey, and now D.C.


I want to be a reality TV star. If Snookie can do it, so can I. Really? What does Snookie do that I couldn't? Laundry? Tanning? Drinking? Eating and eating and eating? I eat. I drink. I live in Arizona so I get a tan naturally. I am wondering, if my life is reality TV worthy!


I am an overweight crippled kid and there isn't a reality TV show about an overweight crippled kid. Let's examine my life and see, if my readers would watch my show:


I get up at 5:30 a.m., but I wake up at 2:30 a.m. and think in the dark. I am thinking no one would want to watch me think in the dark. 


I leave for work at 6:15 a.m. The drive to work is quiet and uneventful. Janet is not a morning person and she does not talk on the way to work at all. I am thinking no one would want to watch us drive silently to work.


I get to work before 7:00 a.m. and that is where I am all day teaching, and working, working, working, working. Hey, there aren't any reality shows about school teachers that might be an idea. There are some characters at my school that would make an interesting reality show I just don't happen to be one of them. 


I usually leave for work around 5:30 p.m. The ride home is slow and full of traffic. Janet is a big talker on the way home, but then it would be a reality show about her and not me.


When I get home I take the dogs for a walk. Now there are two characters for a reality show. They could both have there own shows. One would be called Sir Barksalot and the other would be called The Great Lizard Chase. 

The rest of the evening I do more work and watch reality TV. I am thinking no one would want to watch me watch TV.


I could have a reality show about all my crazy friends, but wait I don't have any friends. My sister, Caren, reminds me of that quite often and laughs about it. 


Caren and I have some interesting adventures in Montana, but it only happens for a couple of weeks during the summer. That would be a very short season. I could do a reality show about all the interesting place to see between Phoenix, Arizona and Bigfork, Montana, oh, wait Caren refuses to stop at any of the interesting places. That's not going to work. 


Okay, Snookie, you win. I eat. I drink. I sleep. But I don't do it with the Jersey accent, attitude, or flair that you do. Oh, dear! I guess I have to find another way to become rich and famous.

Paco's Perspective

Sir Barksalot? I do other things besides bark. I twirl and, and, and, and I bark. 

The Flip Side

I am over this. Can we PLEASE go outside? I saw that Big Daddy lizard lumbering across the driveway!