Sunday, February 9, 2014

Clinton Kelly Didn’t Send Me a Valentine, Again!

As many of my readers know I have had a long-lasting crush on Clinton Kelly of The Chew. Actually, too long lasting. It’s been two years since I wrote my first blog, “Chew on This, Clinton Kelly, Please”, where I asked Clinton to be my best friend and iron with me while watching Judge Judy and feeding me french fries. Sad moment, Clinton Kelly turned me down, but that blog is my top blog for the most hits so I have a bigger audience thanks to my not best friend, Clinton Kelly and he did write a nice comment on the blog. Last year, I wrote a reprise to my “Chew on This” blog, “Oh,Sure, Caren! Now Youwant to Stalk Clinton Kelly With Me” where I expound on reasons Clinton Kelly should be friends with me over Caren. Clinton Kelly’s response was, “Thanks, Cathy, but this is kind of scary!” I guess he really thought I was planning on stalking him.

So, I have had a couple years to hash over my one-sided relationship with Clinton Kelly, and I have come to the conclusion it’s just not going to happen. First, I’ve been watching Judge Judy for years without him and I can continue to do so without him. Also, I don’t really like french fries I am more of a salsa and chips kind of gal. Finally, unrequited love  . . infatuation . . . obsession . . . stalking is the pits. I know when it’s time to shout uncle. “UNCLE, I give up!” I am over you, Clinton Kelly and besides I have always wanted to dump someone during Valentines Week. 

Dear Clinton (John) Kelly,
As disappointing as it is, I don’t have the time to invest in our non-relationship right now. I have to put other things first, like, watching Judge Judy alone and drowning my sorrows in salsa. We just have to face it you are GU, geographically undesirable, there is no way I could make continual trips to New York on my teaching salary. (That’s why the “stalking” comments should have been taken as funny not serious.) While our time together has been wonderful (in my mind), I don’t feel comfortable being with someone who doesn’t see eye-to-eye with me on the important issues, like, what treats to buy for DaBoyz or what I am going to have for lunch. I am looking for a lasting friendship not one that fades away like someone’s hairline. (Yep, I’ve noticed you’re combing your hair differently.) I don’t have the feelings for you that did. It’s nothing you’ve done because you’ve done ab-so-lute-ly NOTHING! (Not even a pre-printed Christmas card or a “howdy do?”.) I have to be honest with you and I know this will hurt (NOT REALLY), bur I have been thinking about seeing . . . dreaming of . . . stalking someone else. What do you think of Tyler Fergusson, Sean Hayes or, I know, Tim Gunn?

Not Your BFF,
P.S. I’m just joking, if you want to be my BFF, just call. I don’t do anything but teach all day and write silly blogs on the weekends. I am open for anything.

P.S.2 The least you could of done was send an itty-bitty Valentine’s Day card.

Paco’s Perspective

Whew! I am glad you stepped off that ledge! I haven’t met Mary, yet. I know she’ll love me.

The Flip Side

Does this Clinton Kelly person have anything to do with lizards or bunnies? If not, I don’t want him around. Face it, you've always dreamed of having your own pocket gay.

Saturday, February 1, 2014


Because I am handicapped I have to use objects to assist me to do things that others could easily do without thinking: turning on a light, picking something up off the floor, or even petting the dog. I have a stick that I use to perform various tasks. It is one of those cheap, bamboo back scratchers that one can get at a flea market for a dollar. I use this stick for many things: turning the lights on and off, picking things off the floor, scratching my head, scratching the dog’s head, reaching the buttons on a hospital bed, turning my cough assist machine on and off, sliding things closer to the edge of a table so I can reach them, shooing away flies and mosquitoes, reaching for the bedcovers, unlocking the deadbolt etc., etc. My $1 stick has been a lifesaver. It has helped me be more independent and whenever I come across something I believe I can’t reach or do I get my stick. Today, my stick came in handy again. I needed it to play chili bowl hockey with my canine companion, Flip.

Flip is a stray that has been with me for some time. He was found dodging traffic on Buckeye road. He was hungry and his fur was matted, and when he saw me he jumped into my lap and hasn’t left since. Flip is very possessive. He doesn’t want anyone near his bed, food or me. He’s not aggressive toward people but is very aggressive toward other dogs, if they get near his stuff. Lately, he has become quite aggressive when it comes to food even when food is not around he will jump on poor Paco, if he gets near the spot that his food is placed. In an effort to not make him aggressive about that particular spot he has been fed in various spots throughout my room, and now he just attacks Paco anywhere in my room.

Today, Janet left for the day to run some errands. She left me with the usual Mormon’s Pantry of food. Janet always leaves me enough food to feed a football team. Sometimes she leaves me so many snacks that I think she might be planning to never come back. So, as I was eating my bowl of chili and working my way to the bottom of the gallon of chili the bowl jumped out of my hands. Luckily, it landed right-side-up on the floor. Paco made a move for it but Flip beat him to it and gobbled up the rest of the chili in a flash and licked the bowl clean. Paco tried to sniff the bowl and Flip growled and snapped at him and proceeded to guard the chili bowl. He looked like Snoopy in his “vulture pose”. 

It was going to be a long day for Paco and me as we waited for Janet to come home and pick up the bowl. I couldn’t pick it up, but I decided I could try to move it and shove in under some furniture. I first tried to nudge it with my front wheels but I kept missing the damn thing. Next, I tried to use a towel to swoosh it across the floor but my swooshing talents are not good. And then I thought of my stick.

That’s when the hockey match between the Crushing Crips and the Ferocious Flippers began. After the initial face off, I was on an offensive rush when Flip forechecked me. That dog! I recovered the chili bowl puck and moved my way toward the goal (my computer desk, the piece of furniture that is lowest to the ground). I crossed the blue line and I deked Flip. The final seconds of the third period were ticking down 10 . . .9 . . 8 . . . Paco assisted by screening the shot and I made it to the crease. 7 . . . 6 . . . 5 I took a slap shot and aimed for the top shelf, where mama hides the cookies. 4 . . .3 . . . 2 . . . Flip tried to body check me but too late I SCORED! 1 . . . 0 The chili bowl was safely tucked under my desk where no dog could reach it! I did a victory lap while Paco ran circles around me. Final score: Crushing Crips 1, Ferocious Flippers ZERO!

Paco’s Perspective
The moral of the story: Never give up, STICK with it! Get it? Stick with it.

The Flip Side
I was robbed. I am going to STICK it to that twirling Paco! Get it, Paco? STICK IT!