Saturday, March 30, 2013

Oh, Sure, Caren! Now You Want to Stalk Clinton Kelly With Me!

I’m sure it is no surprise to my readers that I have a huge crush on Clinton Kelly of The Chew.  Well. . . . it’s not really a crush I just want to be his best friend.  AND I wanted to be besties with him before he was on The Chew. He caught my eye long before The Chew. His appearance on The Chew has just fortified my knowledge that we would be great best friends. About a year ago I wrote a blog about my desire to be Clinton Kelly’s BFF. I just happened to be watching The Chew and he was talking about his love of ironing which was my favorite thing to do when I could iron. (I longer have the strength to lift the damn iron. I hate when I drop the iron on my lap while ironing.) AND on the same show he brought up his love of Judge Judy and it just so happens, if I couldn’t have Clinton Kelly as my best friend, Judge Judy would be my next choice!

My blog, Chew on This, Clinton Kelly, Please!, (Yes, I cleverly titled it so someone would let Clinton Kelly know about it.) was posted and Clinton Kelly actually posted a comment on my blog after some strong pressure to do so by his niece. At that point, I was sure we were going to become best friends, even though, he wrote that we could be “best friends in spirit”. What does that actually mean “in spirit”? I think it is a polite way of saying, “Yea, right, Cathy, when pigs fly!” I knew it didn’t mean the next time he was in town he was going to give me a call and we’d go shoe shopping. Delusionally (Yep, I made up this word.), I continued to send him messages on facebook and sometimes he would respond, but it wasn’t a BFF response. It was a kind, polite “O.M.G., I wish this woman would stop cyber-stalking me. Doesn’t she get what BFF ‘in spirit’ means?” response.

I have expounded on my “Clinton Kelly BFF Crush” to my sister, Caren. When we are out shopping together I always say, “Well, Clinton Kelly would say . . . .”, and she responds, “Who is Clinton Kelly and who really cares?” I even tried to convince her to get tickets to The Chew when she and Rhonda were in New York. It was a selfish reason because I know Caren would have caught Clinton Kelly’s eye (She is the type of person that catches eveyone’s eye.) and she could have told him that she was my sister and then my dream might have come true with a big emphasis on might have. But her response to my text, I am sure, was a big eye roll and, “No way! We’re getting tickets to the Today Show because Matt Lauer is so much cuter!” 

Just recently, I received a text from Caren stating that she has been watching The Chew and she NOW gets my Clinton Kelly BFF Crush. She NOW thinks he is the greatest. She NOW tivos The Chew. She NOW says that she wishes she had bought tickets for The Chew instead of the Today Show because the almost bald Matt Lauer is no way as cute as Clinton Kelly. Oh, sure, Caren, NOW you want to stalk Clinton Kelly with me!

Don’t worry, Clinton Kelly, crippled kids can’t stalk. It is so hard for someone in a wheelchair to be inconspicuous. We can’t hide in the crowd. We can’t jump into a cab and shout, “Follow that cab!” We can’t weave in and around people in a crowded mall without hearing, “Hey, that’s my toe you just ran over!”

Anyway, if Caren and I were in the same room with Clinton Kelly, he would be immediately drawn to Caren. (Everyone is immediately drawn to Caren those of us that hang out with her are used to it.) Then Caren and Clinton Kelly would become besties and I would have to be the tag-along. I hate when that happens!

I would just like to restate my position on why Clinton Kelly should be MY BFF:

Clinton Kelly loves to iron and I love to iron.
Clinton Kelly loves Judge Judy and I love Judge Judy.
Clinton Kelly is crafty and I do crappy, oh, I mean, crafty projects.
Clinton Kelly has a dog that he loves and I have “daboyz” that I love. (Clinton Kelly, “daboys” are my dogs Paco and Flip.)
Clinton Kelly loves to cook and I love to eat.
And I know it’s not evident in my writing but I have a very sarcastic sense of humor and so does Clinton Kelly.

Reasons why Clinton Kelly might not want to be my BFF:

I have zero fashion sense. I used to be a fashionista but now I’m a fashion-no-waysta.
I don’t drink. But I don’t mind watching people drink. (Clinton Kelly, you are friends with Karla and she doesn’t drink.)
I don’t have a crush on Olivia Newton-John.

So, Clinton Kelly, the reasons to be my BFF out weigh the reasons not to be my BFF.

Because I love my sistah and soon to be fellow stalker, I’ve got to give her an equal chance, so here are reasons Clinton Kelly would rather have Caren as his BFF:

Caren is F-U-N! (Among the Cunnigham Girls I am NOT the fun one.)
Caren has fashion sense, I think, but this is coming from someone with absolutely no fashion sense, so we would have to see what Clinton Kelly would say.
Caren is athletic. She hikes, she runs, she golfs, she plays softball, she leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Caren has a dog that does everything with her.
Caren loves cocktails.
Caren loves to cook. Did I mention that I love to eat?

Oh, great I just convinced myself that Caren would make a better BFF for Clinton Kelly. So, I shall no longer continue to make pleas to Clinton Kelly to be my BFF. But, Clinton Kelly, if you happen to be walking down the street and you feel like someone is watching you, and you hear someone shout, “Hey, that’s my toe you just ran over with your wheelchair!” If you look behind you, I’ll be the one in the wheelchair “inconspicuously” weaving in and out of the crowd trying to keep up with you. 

Paco’s Perspective

Even though I am stocky, I have stealth-like moves and I could help you stalk Clinton Kelly. 

The Flip Side

I stalk lizards so I am sure I can stalk a Clinton Kelly, whatever that is.