He's THAT GUY!

It's spring and my friend, the mockingbird, is back. Mockingbirds sing until they find a mate. The singing doesn't just happen during the day. It happens all day and ALL NIGHT! There are times when I would like to strangle my mockingbird friend, especially at 3 AM.

Unfortunately, the mockingbird that sings outside my bedroom is never going to find a mate no matter how long and loud he sings because he's THAT GUY, you know . . .

The one that lives in his mother's basement with a beer in one hand, the remote in the other and a pizza box on his lap taking sips of beer and flicking the channels between bites of cold pizza.

The one that thinks he knows everything and proceeds to mansplains how a faucet works to a female plumber and when she gets annoyed he asks if she is PMSing.

The one with a nondescript job, not bad looking but something's creepy about him and you can't put your finger on it but he reminds you of THAT stalker GUY in You.

The one that takes hours to get ready to go shopping for more skinny jeans  and while he is walking in the mall he is looking at his reflection in EVERY window making duck-lip faces and primping.

The one that comes to the bar in a sweater and pants he wore in seventh grade asking all the girls to dance and asking all the guys to buy him a beer.

The one that believes everything he reads on the internet and warns people not to do something because he read on the internet that someone died doing that leaving out all the facts from his warning.

The one that brags about how much money he has and one day you stop into a McDonald's and there's THAT GUY bussing tables and taking out the trash.

My poor friend, Mr. Mockingbird, is going to be doing bad bird imitations outside my window until it's time to fly south for the winter because he's THAT GUY!

The Flip Side

I hate to be THAT GUY but isn't Arizona "south for the winter'.

Osa's Opinion

Yep, you're THAT GUY!

Kuma Kibbitz

I'm new to this but I'll catch on. I'm a quick learner.

Lucky Pants

Darrell, Caren, Flip and I participated in the Heart and Sole 5k. It was a cold overcast day and there was wind. Caren will say there was a slight breeze but to me it felt like blizzard conditions.

We were all just hanging out waiting for things to get started when Caren looked at Darrell and asked, “Where did you get those pants?”

Darrell replied, “I don’t know in the closet somewhere.”

“Whose closet?” Caren asked “Let me look at the tag. Oh, they’re Nike pants.”

“So you’re saying it’s okay to wear funny-looking pants as long as they are Nikes?” I inquired.

Caren said, “Darrell those pants look kind of tight. Let me look at the tag again. She looked at the size tag and started laughing, “Darrell these are a woman’s size 4/6. You are wearing my pants! I’ll never be able to wear those pants again.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because they will be all stretched out, “ she answered.

“His skinny legs won’t stretch out your pants," I said.

“Do you think my legs are bigger than his?” she asked.

“Oh, no! Never!” I replied

It was time for the race to start, thank God. I looked at Darrell and said, “Let’s go, Sissy Boy Pants, we’ve got a race to win.”

Caren runs about an eleven minute mile. Darrell doesn’t run he saunters so I am not quite sure what his pace is on a regular basis. Flip and I can do a fifteen minute mile with my chair going at top speed. (Disclaimer #1: As Flip and I were passing the walkers, I heard people say that it was horrible that I would make that cute little dog run so fast. I just want all those walkers and my readers to know that I have a 3 mile route in my neighborhood that Flip and I ‘run’ constantly. If I slow down or stop to talk to the neighbors, he is tugging on the leash and vocalizing that he is ready to run. As a matter fact, he would rather be up front with Caren who he runs and hikes with constantly. I am NOT a cruel dog owner!)

Of course Caren finished before Darrell, Flip and me. When she finishes she always comes back to look for me to make sure I am okay. When I saw her I asked, “How did you do?”

She replied, “I only got sixth in my age group.”

Darrell came strolling over the finish line some time later. I turned to Caren and said, “Let’s go home.”

“No,” Caren said, “I want to see who got the medals for 1st, 2nd and 3rd. I want to know how far behind I was.” Then she turned to Darrell and said, ‘Let’s go look at the time board and see what place you got in your age group.”

“Why?” I asked. “Because they give medals for the slowest times?”

A few minutes later Caren came back with Darrell laughing, “Darrell got third place in his age group”

Darrell said, “Yep, it’s because I was wearing my Lucky Pants! I think I will wear these to every 5K.”

“Over my dead body,” Caren sneered.

And then it donned on me, “Caren he is going to go up on stage with those pants on!”

After Darrell received his medal, Sissy Boy Pants, She Who Did Not Place and Cruel Dog Owner headed home. Caren and I had to stop at Michael’s on the way home. Yes, Cruel Dog Owner left Flip in the van. It was 58 degrees outside and overcast. Believe me Puxatany Phil would not  have seen his shadow in Goodyear, Arizona that Groundhog Day.

When we got into Michael’s Darrell went one way and Caren and I went another. When Caren and I were checking out Caren said, “I wonder where Darrell is.”

The clerk said, “I can page him to come to the check-out line.”

I said, “oh, okay. Would you page Sissy Boy Pants?”

“What?” asked the clerk. Of course we had to explain and proceeded to tell her the whole story. The clerk then said, “That’s a great story but I can’t say Sissy Boy Pants over the intercom.”

I said, “Well, then would you page Sissy Girl Pants?”

The clerk replied, “I can’t say that either.”

Then Caren chimed in giggling, “How about Guy Who Is Wearing His Wife’s Pants?”

No, I’m sorry,” the patient clerk replied, “But if you give me his name I can say that.”

We both looked at her and said, “Nah, it’s too hard to pronounce.”

We looked around the place for him and decided maybe he went back to the van. As we stepped out of Michael’s, Darrell was sitting outside and waiting for us. “Well, if it isn’t Sissy Boy Pants,” I said.

“That’s Lucky Pants to you two.” The he stood up and attempted to do The Floss dance with an emphasis on ATTEMPTED and said, “You girls are just jealous because I shed my toxic masculinity, wore my wife’s pants and took 3rd place in the 5K.”

Caren said, ‘Don’t get cocky! You took 3rd place in your age group and there were only six people in your age group.”

As Darrell sauntered off, he said, “I’ll race you girls to the van but you probably won’t be able to beat me in my Lucky Pants.”

As he strolled away I looked at Caren and asked, “You’re going to burn those pants as soon as he takes them off, right?”

“YES! Yes I am!”

The Flip Side

She’s right. I LOVE to run, hike, and dig up gophers. Do you think Darrell would loan me his Lucky Pants for the next 5K so I could pick up a medal?

Paco's Final Perspective

Today I lost a good friend. Paco lost his long battle with respiratory disease. He was a great guy. I can’t imagine coming home every day without him twirling at the gate and barking, “Hello, glad to see you!” When Janet insisted I got a dog I was ill, depressed and on many medications. When Paco came into my life I became happier and got off all medications. Thank-you, dear friend and companion, I will miss you. Sometime, while at your Labor Day BBQ raise your glass to Poquito Paco Bell that toe-lickin’, panty-suckin, wine-drinkin’, obsessive-twirling dog.

Below is Paco’s Final Perspective:

I lived for thirteen dog years that is somewhere around ninety in people years, so I guess that would make me a wise, old sage. Let me give readers some sage advice: 

1.  Live like a dog!  
Every day is a new adventure for a dog. Dog’s take delight in the little things. Take my advice and do what dog’s do: chase lizards, sniff your companions, wag your tail when a loved one walks in the room, bark at the neighbors (Be careful! Sometimes they bark back!), give furry kisses, beg for treats and go for long walks. 

2.   Love like a dog!  
Love unconditionally: be happy EVERY TIME you see your person, wag your tail and make eye contact when your person walks in the room, give your person lots of slobbery kisses even when they say, “Stop!” 

3.  Listen like a dog!  

     Racing in the Rain , one of Cathy’s faves, is the story of a Dog, Enzo, whom belongs to a racecar driver and his family. Enzo believes that when he dies he will come back as a man. Enzo is a very wise dog and people could learn a lot from him. In one passage, Enzo explains how important it is to listen like a dog:

“Here is why I will be a good person. Because I listen. I cannot speak, so I listen very well. I never interrupt, I never change the course of the conversation with a comment of my own. People, if you pay attention to them, change the direction of one another’s conversations constantly. It’s like having a passenger in your car who suddenly grabs the wheel and turns you down a side street. Learn to listen, I beg of you. Pretend you are a dog like me and listen to other people rather than steal their stories.” 

4.   TWIRL!  
I twirled! I twirled when I went out the door. I twirled when I came in the door. I twirled when I went for walks with Darrell. I couldn’t stop myself. I was a happy guy, so I twirled. No one can be sad when twirling, so when you’re feeling blue or you’re angry JUST TWIRL! Trust this wise, old sage, you’re going to feel so much better!

Below are some of my favorite blogs about me, if one wishes to reminisce:

My Dog Doesn't Like Me

My Best Friend is Obsessive-Compulsive

Hide-and-Go-Seek Mishap

Paco's Perspective and the Flip Side

The Flip Side

Where's Paco? Did he get to go for a walk without me?

Osa's Opinion

Good-bye, my friend, I will miss you. Just think you don't have to wear those annoying costumes for the Christmas card!

Paco's Final and Last Perspective

Holy Guacamole, mi amigos, it's really cool where I am. Endless treats and soft, green grass as far as the eye can see!

My Summer Reads

As many already know, I spend my summers in Bigfork, Montana chasing the sun around the cabin reading books. I used to tote boxes of books from Phoenix to Montana and back again. Usually the books I brought up to read were kids’ novels because I don’t like putting books on my classroom bookshelves without having read them first. Now with the magic of Kindle I no longer have to tote boxes of books. I just read on my phone or kindle. I really miss the smell and feel of the real books.

This year I finally retired (no, really, I did, I’m not kidding) so I didn’t have to spend my summer reading kids’ novels. Although, I kind of prefer kids’ novel because they are so well-written, they never bore me, and usually make me cry. If a book makes one cry, it’s a darn good book.

Below is a list of the books I read this summer. Yep, I read all these books in June and July.  I can honestly say I didn’t love all of them. As a matter of fact, I already forgot what some of them were about and I had to read the blurbs on them to jog my memory. I have put them in the order that I liked them.

   Crime/Mystery

The Silent Girls, by Eric Rickstad  - Frank Rath is a private detective with a painful past. In his attempt to help the local police solve a crime he comes across the ruthless killer of his sister.

Of course, there is a cliff hanger at the end of this book that makes one want to read The Name of Dead Girls.

The Woman in the Window by A. J. Finn - Anna Fox is an agoraphobic. Unable to leave her home she spends her time day drinking, popping pills and spying on her neighbors. She sees a crime committed and is unable to convince the police of the crime. There are many twists and turns in the book. Of course, the “bad guy” is never who one thinks it is.

A Killer's Mind by Mike Omer - Forensic phychologist, Zoe Bentley, is sent to investigate the murder of three women stragled, embalmed and posed as if still alive. Of course there is a handsome, witty man detective and a creepy stalker from her past.

The King Tides by James Swain - Ex Navy SEAL and PI, Jon Lancaster searches for a missing girl.

  Love

Matchmaking for Beginners by Maddie Dawson - Marnie McGraw meets matchmaker, Blix Holiday at Marinie’s  engagement party. Blix tells Marnie that her nephew is not the man for Marnie and she needs to RUN! This is a sweet romantic comedy. It’s a great weekend read.

The Strawberry Hearts Diner by Carol Brown - Jancy Wilson’s car catches on fire in the parking lot of the Strawberry Hearts diner in Picks, Texas. Stranded and with no cash, Jancy asks if the diner is hiring and of course they need a waitress.

Coal River by Ellen Marie Wiseman - Nineteen year old Emma Malloy has to return to Coal River, Pennsylvania to live with her aunt and uncle.  Emma sets out to right some wrongs going on in the local coal mine and falls in love with the boy from the wrong side of the tracks.

Now That You Mention It by Kristan Higgins -  Nora Stuart is a doctor in Boston and is hit by a truck. In the emergency room she hears her boyfriend hitting on someone while she is semi conscious.  She dumps the boyfriend and goes home to Scupper Island, Maine to recuperate.

  Kid’s Novels

3^rd grade and up

Some Kind of Courage by Dan Gemeinhart -  Just want to start by saying I love this author. He write great children’s books.  In this book Joseph Johnson has lost his family to sickness and accidents. Then the old man he is living with sells his faithful horse so Joseph sets out on a journey to find Sarah. After finishing this book read one of by favorite tear-jerkers of Dan Gemeinhart, The Honest Truth.

Wild Wings by Gill Lewis - Callum and Fiona find an osprey nest on Callum’s family farm in Scotland. Together they protect the nest. I learned a lot about ospreys and the migration of ospreys.

The Dog Under the Bed by D. J. Cowdall - A stray dog sneaks into a home and hides under a bed. This story is a little far fetched but kids will like it. It is told from the dog’s point of view.

5^th grade and up

The Runaway Children by Sandy Taylor  - Historical fiction book about English children being sent to the countryside to live with “foster” families to save them from the bombing of England during WWII. Thirteen year old, Nell and five year old, Olive are two sisters sent from the devastation.  After a bad circumstance, Nell and Olive runaway.  Olive is a delightful character that unwittingly speaks the truth.

My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry by Fredrik Backman - Seven year old, Elsa’s best friend is her seventy year old, crazy grandmother. When her grandmother dies Elsa has to deliver letters of apology to the people her grandmother has offended in the past.

Shadow by Aris  Austin - This author’s mission in life is to save all the shelter dogs of the world. He uses his creative ability to “speak” for the shelter dogs and tell their side of the story.  In this book, Shadow is returned to the shelter by the owner that has had him as a puppy because he is too old. Shadow describes his heartbreak and anticipation waiting for his owner to come back and get him.  Shadow has an adoption deadline, if he isn’t adopted by a certain time he will be put down. Needless to say this is a tear-jearker.

Finding Gobi: A Little Dog With a Very Big Heart by Dion Leonard -  Dion Leonard is a ultramarathon runner that travels all over the world to run races. While in the Gobi desert in China a little dog appears from nowhere and joins Dion on his race. Gobi’s undying affection changes Dion’s heart. This is a true story of Dion’s struggle to bring Gobi home with him.

There is a young reader’s edition and a picture book of this story.

Middle School and up

The Boy Under the Table Nicole Trope - Tina works the streets and makes a decision to go home with a customer.  At the home of the customer, she finds a young boy confined under the kitchen table. Tina makes it her mission to save the boy and help him get home.

Half a Heart by Karen McQuestion - Logan Weber is cruelly abused by his father. Logan realizes if he doesn’t leave, he’ll die. Nine year old, Logan runs and stows away in a moving truck. This is a story of survival.
Don't Forget Steven by P. D. Workman - Steven is abused daily by three men he lives with.  During a drunken ruckus, one of his abusers is killed and Steven is charged with a murder he didn’t commit.

Posted by David Anderson - Students are no longer allowed to bring their phones to school. They use post-it notes to “text” each other.

   Overcoming Obstacles

The 100% Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell by Robert Dugoni – Sam Hill is born with red eyes. He spends his childhood being bullied for the color of his eyes. As an adult he encounters his worst childhood bully again and has to stand up to him.

If the Creek Don't Rise by Leah Weiss - Sadie Blue is an abused wife in remote Appalachia where there is nowhere to run. This story told from different character’s point of view. Stick with this book because it has a great ending.

Walk to Beautifu: The Power of Love and a Homeless kid Who Found the Wayl by Jimmy Wayne – This is a true story of country singer Jimmy Wayne who spent most of his life homeless and alone. This is the story of his struggle to survive and his campaign to build awareness for foster care. He walks from Nashville to Phoenix for his Meet Me halfway Campaign.

Three Little Words by Ashley Rhodes-Courter – This is another true story of  Ashley Rhodes-Courter’s life in and out of foster homes and her struggle to find a family.

Digging In by Loretta Nyhan - Paige can’t get over the death of her husband. She finds solace and answers to life’s questions in digging in a garden she decides to create in her backyard.

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman – Eleanor is an inappropriate loner that finds love and companionship in a strange way. Reese Wither spoon bought the rights to this book and it will be a motion picture soon.

A Marriage in Dog Years: A Memoir by Nancy Balbirer – Nancy’s eleven year old beagle becomes deathly ill. In this story Nancy tries to save her dog and her marriage.

  Catherine Ryan Hyde

Catherine Ryan Hyde is one of my favorite authors. My students love her books and so do I. I have read just about every book she has written.  The three books below that I read this summer could be read by middle school students.

Heaven Adjacent  - Roseanna is a high-powered lawyer in Manhattan. When her best friend and law partner unexpectedly dies, Rosanna leaves everything behind, drives to the Adirondacks and buys the farm near where she ran out of gas. She finds a squatter on the farm and allows she and her daughter to stay which leads to allow other lost ones to live on the property.

  
Ask Him Why – Ruth’s brother Joseph returns from Iraq three months after he leaves. Joseph’s decision to flee Iraq has huge implications on Joseph and his family. His decision also affects his siblings in ways one wouldn’t think possible.

The Wake Up – Suddenly cattle rancher, Aiden Delacorte, becomes attune to the animals around him. He can feel their fear and pain. Aiden’s “wake up” affects his relationships, livelihood, and position in the community.

Paco's Perspective

I spent my summer vacation trying to breathe. Dr. Clark helped me get my twirl back.

The Flip Side

I spent my summer chasing squirrels, deer and believe it or not I even chased a bear away. That's why they no longer call me Pot Roast, instead, they call me The Rock! Move over Dwayne!

Where Have All the Wranglers Gone?

In my younger days I have spent many hours in country western bars. My father taught my sister, Caren, to dance. Caren is very competitive, so she has to be the best at everything this includes dancing. Well, to become the best one must practice, therefore I have spent a tremendous amount of time in country bars watching Caren dance.

If one went to a country western bar, one needed to be mindful of the "uniform": Men-tight Wrangler jeans, roper boots, shirts tucked in, belt buckle the size of a dinner plate. (The size of the buckle, the size of one's hand and so forth), Women-tight Rockies, ropers, shirts tucked in, belt buckle much smaller than men's belt buckles. If one chose not to wear the uniform, one was open to ridicule, being ostracized, and  given a tacky nickname by me

Because I am in a wheelchair, I am at a certain eye level that emphasizes my ability to view the Wrangler Butt. I appreciate the Wrangler Butt. A pair of tight Wranglers can even make a buttless man have a butt. Over the years, I became quite an aficionado of the "Wrangler Butt".  Okay, I’ll say it I have a deep love for an arse in a pair of Wrangler Jeans and I don’t care what the face connected to that Wrangler Arse looks like.

Alas, it has been a long time since I have been to a country western bar. When I stopped driving I stopped going places. I stopped driving over twenty years ago which stopped my pleasurable journeys to The Land of the Wrangler Butts! I had to give up a lot of things when I stopped driving, but I think the loss of the observation cycle of the Wrangler Butt was one of the top ten losses.

Recently, I was watching T.V. which unfortunately is my new pastime and a “country western” singer  took the stage. I recognized the voice but, sadly, I saw no Wrangler Butt! The boy (I am unable to put the word cow in front of that word boy.) was NOT wearing Wranglers. He wasn’t even wearing jeans! He was wearing a pair of ripped sweatpants! Sweatpants? Really who wears sweatpants when one is trying to look good? And don’t get me started on the ripped t-shirt  and backwards baseball cap! Where have all the Wranglers Gone? (Heavy sigh!)

Where have all the Wranglers gone,

Long time passing,

Where have all the Wranglers gone,

Long time ago,

Where have all the Wranglers gone,

Tucked back in closets every one,

When will they ever learn?

When will they ever learn?

Where have all the Wranglers gone,

Long time passing,

Where have all the Wranglers gone,

Long time ago,

Where have all the Wranglers gone,

Gone to sweatpants every one,

When will they ever learn?

When will they ever learn?

Friends, we must take a stand! There is nothing attractive about baggy, ripped sweatpants. The buttcrack and underwear view is very offensive. Friends, I implore you, stand up for your right to see a cute arse in a pair of tight jeans. Friends, at your next “country” concert  when the lead singer comes out in a ripped t-shirt and baggy sweatpants stand up and shout, "We're not gonna take it! We're not gonna take it! We're not gonna take it anymore!" Okay sing it, if you want.

Stand Up for Wrangler Butts!

I’ve been told that the cowboy “uniform” is a thing of the past. That one must change with the times. I want cowboys to stick around. I want to see Wrangler Butts! When I die and go to heaven,  I want to follow “the light” into a cowboy dive with a line of cowboys, real men, standing at the bar with their backs to me and all the bar lights angled just right so they shine on those Wrangler Butts. Slowly, those cowboys will  turn, in unison, look at me, tip their cowboy hats, shuffle their cowboy boots, give a little head nod and say, “Howdy, ma’am! Were glad you came! May we have this dance.”

Paco's Perspective

You have made me wear some really ridiculous stuff, but never a pair of tight Wrangler jeans. I could be jor leetle vaquero!

The Flip Side

The cowboy uniform? Do lizards wear uniforms? It might be easier for me to catch them. If I knew what they were wearing!

Osa’s Opinion

I can see next year’s Christmas card . . . . Paco and Flip in jeans and cowboy hats and me in a silly prairie dress.

Silent Friday Fight! Shhhhhhhhh!

For over ten years I have taught gender-split classes. It is an interesting task teaching a class full of boys. At one time in my career I had a class of forty-seven seventh grade boys. What I’ve learned over the years is that boys and girls are sooooo different. There are advantages and disadvantages to separating genders. Girls will get into fights and hold grudges for months, but boys just beat each other up and then they are over it. You can’t have a class of boys without experiencing a fight in the classroom at some time. It happens about once a year. When one has thirty-two to forty-seven boys crammed in one classroom a fight is inevitable. When things are done and conferencing with the two parties begins I am amazed at their reason for a fight. The main reason for the start of a fight is, “He keeps looking at me!” Really, gentlemen!

Just recently, I experienced another fight in my classroom but what made this fight  different was it was a Silent Friday Fight. Silent Friday is something I have been doing for years, also. A dear friend and I made it up a long time ago. The last Friday of every quarter is Silent Friday. We give each student a certain amount of tickets and each time he or she talks  we take a ticket away and at the end of the day the students put their tickets in a drawing for prizes. We tell the students that the only way they can talk is write everything down. (It does improve their writing skills.) The students love Silent Friday and so does the school staff. Administration loves to try to get the students to talk and the students love to refuse to speak. It’s everyone’s one day of fun for the quarter. On our most recent Silent Friday a fight broke out in the boys’ class. I was working with some boys in the front of the room. They were writing notes to me and I was answering their questions. (By the way, I don’t have to be silent on Silent Friday because I am the Queen, and I went to college so I get to make ALL the rules!) All of a sudden, I heard moving of desks, I look up and I see two boys fighting in the back of the room. But they are fighting SILENTLY! I am trying to get to the back of the room but I have boys sitting on the floor in front of me. Suddenly and SILENTLY, two of my biggest boys step between the two offenders, pull them apart, sit them in opposite corners of the room and sit down. ALL THIS WAS DONE WITHOUT A SINGLE WORD SAID.  The two fighters never said a word to each other before the fight. They were silently slugging each other during the fight. The other boys silently watched. The fight was broken up without a word said by ANYONE, except me, of course, because my house, my rules.

When I took the two offenders outside the room to talk to them. I asked, “So what’s going on?”

One of the boys wrote on a piece of paper he had with him: He keeps looking at me!!!

Paco's Perspective 

I get it! I hate when Flip looks at me, why I oughta . . . . . . . . 

The Flip Side

At least, I look at you and give you fair warning. Osa just puts my entire head in her mouth! 

Osa's Opinion

You two are such whiny-babies!