As many of my readers know I have had a long-lasting crush on Clinton Kelly of The Chew. Actually, too long lasting. It’s been two years since I wrote my first blog, “Chew on This, Clinton Kelly, Please”, where I asked Clinton to be my best friend and iron with me while watching Judge Judy and feeding me french fries. Sad moment, Clinton Kelly turned me down, but that blog is my top blog for the most hits so I have a bigger audience thanks to my not best friend, Clinton Kelly and he did write a nice comment on the blog. Last year, I wrote a reprise to my “Chew on This” blog, “Oh,Sure, Caren! Now Youwant to Stalk Clinton Kelly With Me” where I expound on reasons Clinton Kelly should be friends with me over Caren. Clinton Kelly’s response was, “Thanks, Cathy, but this is kind of scary!” I guess he really thought I was planning on stalking him.
So, I have had a couple years to hash over my one-sided relationship with Clinton Kelly, and I have come to the conclusion it’s just not going to happen. First, I’ve been watching Judge Judy for years without him and I can continue to do so without him. Also, I don’t really like french fries I am more of a salsa and chips kind of gal. Finally, unrequited love . . infatuation . . . obsession . . . stalking is the pits. I know when it’s time to shout uncle. “UNCLE, I give up!” I am over you, Clinton Kelly and besides I have always wanted to dump someone during Valentines Week.
Dear Clinton (John) Kelly,
As disappointing as it is, I don’t have the time to invest in our non-relationship right now. I have to put other things first, like, watching Judge Judy alone and drowning my sorrows in salsa. We just have to face it you are GU, geographically undesirable, there is no way I could make continual trips to New York on my teaching salary. (That’s why the “stalking” comments should have been taken as funny not serious.) While our time together has been wonderful (in my mind), I don’t feel comfortable being with someone who doesn’t see eye-to-eye with me on the important issues, like, what treats to buy for DaBoyz or what I am going to have for lunch. I am looking for a lasting friendship not one that fades away like someone’s hairline. (Yep, I’ve noticed you’re combing your hair differently.) I don’t have the feelings for you that did. It’s nothing you’ve done because you’ve done ab-so-lute-ly NOTHING! (Not even a pre-printed Christmas card or a “howdy do?”.) I have to be honest with you and I know this will hurt (NOT REALLY), bur I have been thinking about seeing . . . dreaming of . . . stalking someone else. What do you think of Tyler Fergusson, Sean Hayes or, I know, Tim Gunn?
Not Your BFF,
P.S. I’m just joking, if you want to be my BFF, just call. I don’t do anything but teach all day and write silly blogs on the weekends. I am open for anything.
P.S.2 The least you could of done was send an itty-bitty Valentine’s Day card.
Whew! I am glad you stepped off that ledge! I haven’t met Mary, yet. I know she’ll love me.
The Flip Side
Does this Clinton Kelly person have anything to do with lizards or bunnies? If not, I don’t want him around. Face it, you've always dreamed of having your own pocket gay.