As many of my readers know I have had a long-lasting
crush on Clinton Kelly of The Chew. Actually, too long lasting. It’s been two
years since I wrote my first blog, “Chew on This, Clinton Kelly, Please”, where
I asked Clinton to be my best friend and iron with me while watching Judge Judy
and feeding me french fries. Sad moment, Clinton Kelly turned me down, but that
blog is my top blog for the most hits so I have a bigger audience thanks to my
not best friend, Clinton Kelly and he did write a nice comment on the blog.
Last year, I wrote a reprise to my “Chew on This” blog, “Oh,Sure, Caren! Now Youwant to Stalk Clinton Kelly With Me” where I expound on reasons Clinton Kelly
should be friends with me over Caren. Clinton Kelly’s response was, “Thanks,
Cathy, but this is kind of scary!” I guess he really thought I was planning on
stalking him.
So, I have had a couple years to hash over my
one-sided relationship with Clinton Kelly, and I have come to the conclusion
it’s just not going to happen. First, I’ve been watching Judge Judy for years
without him and I can continue to do so without him. Also, I don’t really like
french fries I am more of a salsa and chips kind of gal. Finally, unrequited
love . . infatuation . . . obsession . . . stalking is the pits. I know when
it’s time to shout uncle. “UNCLE, I give up!” I am over you, Clinton Kelly and
besides I have always wanted to dump someone during Valentines Week.
Dear Clinton (John) Kelly,
As disappointing as it is, I don’t have the time to
invest in our non-relationship right now. I have to put other things first,
like, watching Judge Judy alone and drowning my sorrows in salsa. We just have
to face it you are GU, geographically undesirable, there is no way I could make
continual trips to New York on my teaching salary. (That’s why the “stalking”
comments should have been taken as funny not serious.) While our time together
has been wonderful (in my mind), I don’t feel comfortable being with someone
who doesn’t see eye-to-eye with me on the important issues, like, what treats
to buy for DaBoyz or what I am going to have for lunch. I am looking for a
lasting friendship not one that fades away like someone’s hairline. (Yep, I’ve
noticed you’re combing your hair differently.) I don’t have the feelings for
you that did. It’s nothing you’ve done because you’ve done ab-so-lute-ly
NOTHING! (Not even a pre-printed Christmas card or a “howdy do?”.) I have to be
honest with you and I know this will hurt (NOT REALLY), bur I have been
thinking about seeing . . . dreaming of . . . stalking someone else. What do
you think of Tyler Fergusson, Sean Hayes or, I know, Tim Gunn?
Not Your BFF,
Cathy
P.S. I’m just joking, if you want to be my BFF,
just call. I don’t do anything but teach all day and write silly blogs on the
weekends. I am open for anything.
P.S.2 The least you could of done was send an itty-bitty Valentine’s Day card.
Paco’s Perspective
Whew! I am glad you stepped off that ledge! I
haven’t met Mary, yet. I know she’ll love me.
The Flip Side
Does this Clinton Kelly person have anything to do
with lizards or bunnies? If not, I don’t want him around. Face it, you've always dreamed of having your own pocket gay.
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