Chew on This, Clinton Kelly, Please

I have a friend, Peggy, who always wanted to be best friends with everyone. We would be watching T.V. and someone she admired would appear on the screen and she would say, “You know she and I are soul mates. If she knew me, she would definitely be my best friend. We would talk and laugh and partake in our guilty pleasures until all hours of the night.” I was always concerned that someday, by accident, we would come upon one of her famous crushes and she would explain to him or her how they should be best friends. I always thought Peggy was just a little crazy (that is why I love her) until I started watching The Chew and I laid my eyes on Clinton Kelly.

Clinton Kelly is that guy from the show, What Not To Wear. The readers might be asking themselves, “Clinton Kelly, What Not To Wear? Are you crazy, Cathy? Who wants to hang out with a guy that would tell one what they are wearing should have been left back in the eighties with Cher?” I DO! I know, I know, he would be appalled with my easy clothes. But I do have a valid excuse, Clinton Kelly.

While I was sick at home I started watching The Chew. It stars Clinton Kelly and some other folks. Everyday these folks get together and talk and laugh and EAT! The other folks on the show are good, well, except for maybe that sweet, innocent, never touched bacon, young thang. Some days I just want to force feed that sweet thang butter. And then there is Clinton Kelly. OMG, I am  . . . . . . I don’t know what I am. I am not in love with Clinton Kelly but I want to be his best friend. I want to talk and laugh and partake in our guilty pleasures.

The other evening I was watching The Chew, Guilty Pleasures. Cathy, I thought you said it was a daytime show. It is! Yep, I Tvoed it. I am obsessed! I would just like Clinton Kelly to “Chew” on how much we are alike:

Clinton Kelly’s number one guilty pleasure is ironing, of course. I love to iron. I am no longer able to iron because the more crippled I get the weaker I get and I can no longer lift the iron, oh, but when I could. I think I loved ironing so much because it was something I could do all by myself. I don’t know if any of my readers have ironed from a wheelchair but it does get tricky. I burnt my knees quite often with the edge of the iron. My favorite thing to do alone in my townhouse was to watch Lois and Clark and iron. Clinton Kelly, I can no longer iron, but I would love to watch you iron.

Clinton Kelly’s number two guilty pleasure is eating home fries. Okay, I am not a huge fan of home fries, but I am a fan of food. Everything is better with bacon. I bet I could put bacon and cheese on those home fries.

Clinton Kelly’s number three guilty pleasure is watching Judge Judy. No, really, Judge Judy. Who wouldathunkit? I Tvoe Judge Judy along with The Chew.

I can see us now. Me, watching Clinton Kelly iron. Collar, yoke, cuff, sleeve, cuff, sleeve, side, back, side. He coming over to me every once in a while and bending down so I could pop a home fry in his mouth. We wouldn’t want to get grease on his well-ironed shirts but if we did he has a secret for getting it out. While all this ironing and fry popping is going on we will be happily watching and kevetching about Judge Judy. We will even spout some of our favorite Judge Judyisms.

“Clinton Kelly, may I put some cheese on these fries?” I ask knowingly.

“NO, because I am the boss, Applesauce!” Clinton replies.

“Those home fries would taste so much better with bacon and cheese. You know I am telling the truth because I am the Truth Machine,” I cajole.

“This is not Let’s Make a Deal and I am not Monty Hall. When it comes to fries you have to follow the K.I.S.S principle, “ he says with anticipation.

Together we shout, “Keep It Simple, Stupid!”

Clinton Kelly, would you be my best friend? I know, you are gay and I am not, but I don't want to marry you I just want to be your best friend. I know, you will probably pick on my easy clothes wardrobe, but what are friends for? Don’t worry, Clinton Kelly, I am not a stalker. You won’t see me outside your window looking up at you lovingly. I am crippled and I don’t travel well. I just wanted you to “Chew” on this, Clinton Kelly, we are soul mates, you just don’t know it, yet.

Paco’s Perspective

Doesn’t Clinton Kelly have a cute dog, Mary, that goes with him everywhere? Just like us! Clinton Kelly, we are all destined to be together. Has anyone told Clinton Kelly about Filp?

The Flip Side

What is a Clinton Kelly? Is that a kind of lizard? If so, I am in!