I Am, Sir Flip, the Lizard Slayer

It’s that time of the year and Cathy is too busy to write. She asked if Paco and I would like a turn at writing. OCD Paco can’t stop twirling and licking the grout long enough to write, so it is up to I, Sir Flip, to write this week.

I want to tell you the story of my first Lizard slaying, but first I must tell you how I found M’lady, Cathy.  Many say t’was by accident but I believe t’was fate. I had been held captive by a wicked, cat-loving queen since birth. She kept me in the backyard, gave me food on occasion, and I was made to sleep outside on the bare ground. Her cats glared at me from the inside and laughed at my situation. I had become a straggly, forlorn substitute of my true knightly self. My fur was matted, my bones were very visible, and my heart was broken.

I decided, no not I, fate decided t’was time for me to move on. I waited for my opportunity, a forgotten open gate, and left. I spent many days on the road. At times I wondered, if fate had dealt me a worse hand. Unfortunately, I had found myself traveling on a road with many cars. I had not had enough knightly practice at dodging cars and I had many near disasters. Then a car stopped and another knight, who I later learned was named Sir Dave, stepped out of the vehicle and said, “Come here, Sweetie!” SWEETIE? Apparently, my rough exterior had shadowed my manly prowess, but I didn’t care because I was tired and hungry. Anything was better than wondering the streets in search of food and shelter. I ran and jumped into Sir Dave’s arms.

We drove a short distance and Sir Dave tossed me in a room with a fellow four-legged knight known as Paco (lousy name for a knight). This knight was unable to make any kind of conversation with me due to his inability to stand still. I took advantage of the abundant water and food and free access to a soft bed. As I slumbered, that knight Paco barked at every little noise. This four-legged knight had the wrong name; I went to him and tried to stare him in the eye and said, “I dub thee, Sir Barks Alot!” As the day continued, I wondered had fate led me to another prison, but just inside.

Many two-legged creatures came to the room and spoke to us through the prison gate. I later learned their names to be Sir Ben, Princess Breeze Louise, and Princess Alyssa. As I was cuddled, loved and petted by each, I knew I had found happiness but t'was not the true happiness my heart was in search of.

Then it happened! Two more two-legged creatures approached. One, I could tell was the alpha and to my surprise was a female. I had never met a female knight with the heart of a lion, Lady Janet. When Lady Janet speaks all four-legged creatures listen with intent and awe. She has a gentle way with creatures. And then fate came through the door in a wheelchair. Ahhhhhhh, a permanent lap, my heart’s desire I knew t'was she I had been looking for. T'was she I would slay dragons for. T'was she, M'lady Cathy. I jumped into her lap, settled myself into the crook of her arm, and I knew I was home.

I have resided with M’lady Cathy for almost three years. I have kept her from harm’s way. I have chased the squawking blackbird from the castle garden. I have soothed her broken heart with my kisses. (I, true knight that I am, must be honest; M’ lady doesn’t really like my kisses, yet, but I have soothed her broken heart!) I have chased the dreaded lizards away.

I have never had the opportunity to catch a lizard until the other day. M’lady was talking with a gentleman about renovating the castle walls. Apparently, M’lady doesn’t like the appearance of the exterior castle walls. She had left her chamber door to the garden open. I have tried to tell her many a time to not leave the chamber door open (that’s how the snake entered), but she doesn’t listen like a dog sometimes. I was luxuriating in the recliner and all of a sudden I heard M’lady shout, “Janet, lizard! Flip lizard! Help, lizard!” I descended from the recliner; I dodged Sir Barks Alot, and there t’was. Generally, the lizard is far too quick for myself, but this one had panicked himself into a corner. I had him in my clutches and Lady Janet appeared, “Flip, drop it!” I do what Lady Janet says; I dropped it. “No, no not in here,” commanded Lady Janet, “get him.” I captured the evil creature again. “Take him outside,” commanded Lady Janet. I obeyed. I dashed through the four-legged escape hatch. I heard Lady Janet scream, “Now drop it.” I obeyed. She grabbed and brought me inside. She put me down and I ran for the escape hatch because it is my duty to slay the evil lizard. Lady Janet grabbed me again just before I got the evil lizard in my clutches one more time, “Sorry, Sir Flip, there shall be no slaying of the lizard in this castle.”

Alas, I was so forlorn, t’was my chance to prove my strength and Lady Janet said no. I sadly jumped in M’lady Cathy’s arms. I covered her with kisses and she still didn’t like them. But, M’lady scratched me behind the ear and whispered, “I appreciate your valor and the valiant effort to protect this castle and those whom reside inside from danger, Sir Flip.” I crawled into the crook of her arm and went to sleep and dreamed of slaying lizards.

Paco’s Perspective

First, excuse me, Don Quixote, what’s with the knighthood crap? Second, I am NOT OCD, I am NOT OCD, I am NOT OCD! Finally, “t’was I, Sir Barks Alot,” that chased the itty, bitty lizard into the corner. You got some imagination, kid!