Saturday, December 19, 2009

Here's Your Sign

Bil Engvall is a comedian that has a "Here's Your Sign" routine. It is when people ask stupid questions that have obvious answers. I have had heard many a stupid question, but I am never quick enough to reply with that witty "Here's Your Sign, Stupid" answer. I always think of the witty answer at two in the morning.

I have had the opportunity to be asked many stupid questions. Especially, when it comes to my handicap. Here is an example conversation:

"And where are you from?" inquires Shtupid

"Arizona," I reply.

"Oooooo, I have a friend that is in a wheelchair that lives in Arizona. Do you know him?" asks Shtupid

"No, I don't, sorry," I answer with my nonwitty reply.

But, my two a.m. answer is, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do, and I have slept with him. Because I do know every handicapped man and woman that lives in Arizona intimately! Here's your sign!"

This past summer on the way to Montana Caren and I stopped for gas. As she was cleaning the windshield, Shtupid happened to be getting gas, also, and asked, "Did you hit a bird?" pointing to the grill of the van with a smashed bird.

Caren replied, "I guess I did."

When she got in the van she said, "Did you here what that guy asked me?"

"Yes, I did," I answered.

"Did you here my stupid response? Why can't I think of a 'Here's Your Sign' answer when I want?"

"I know how it feels. You should have said, 'Nope, before going on long road trips I catch a bird and tie it the van grill to deter other birds from making that mistake. Here's your sign!'"

My two a.m. response was even better, "Nope, I didn't hit a bird. That is our pet bird, Polly. That is where he prefers to ride on long road trips. It is too stuffy in the van for him. Here's your sign!"

Someday, I will be quick enough to respond correctly. I guess that is why I am not a comedian. But, as I age, I have a feeling that I am going to get slower with my witty responses. I bet I never get the opportunity to say, "Here's your sign, Shtupid!"

Paco's Perspective

"Paco, do you want to go out?" asks Shtupid.

"No, I always bark and twirl in front of the door. It is the best place in the house to practice my dance moves. Here's your sign.!"

The Flip Side

"Flip, do you know who that dog is in the mirror?" asks Cathy, I mean, I mean, Shtupid.

"Ummmm! Ummmmm!" Okay, I can't do it. If I think of something clever, I'll wake you at two a.m. Oh, wait I already do that.

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