Monday, June 17, 2013

Small Town Crime (Part Deux)

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about the crime report in the local Bigfork newspaper The Bigfork Beacon. It got a huge response and my readers enjoyed it so much that I thought I would do a Small Town Crime part two. These are real crime reports and my comment follow in italics.

May 20
A woman on Second Avenue East reported that her ex-boyfriend was outside throwing fish sticks, scattering them about her yard.
       Better fish sticks than body parts.

A driver on Hutton Ranch Road reported that he intended to enact a citizen’s arrest on someone who had been tailgating him.
This make me think of that Andy Griffith episode where Barney yells, “Citizen’s arrest, citizen’s arrest!”

May 21

A resident on Yeoman Hall Road complained that his neighbors owned one too many pigs.
       I’m thinking one pig is one too many pigs.

Reportedly, three llamas were loose and running wild on Browns Meadow Road.
Llamas Gone Wild! A new idea for the guy who makes the Girls Gone Wild videos.

A Kalispell woman wearing a fishing vest and velvet pants reported that a dangerous family member with martial arts skills had invaded her residence. The woman was especially concerned that the intruder would throw out her organizational items.
Did I tell you that smoking crack is a big problem in Montana?

May 22
A resident on Parliament Drive reported that his verbally abusive neighbor was standing outside in a football jersey, drinking a beer.

A resident on Concord Lane reported that some sort of terrier sneaks into his yard every night. He was advised to capture it, if he feels safe doing so.

Two happy German shepherds were on the loose on Prairie View Road.
       How does one know that they were happy? Were they singing German drinking song while lapping beer from a stein?

May 27
Three donkeys and two horses were seen traveling together down Demersville Road.
       I hate it when donkeys and horses travel in packs.

May 28
Someone reported seeing a man on a bike chasing a llama down the highway.
Maybe that’s the way Montanians exercise their llamas.

A Kalispell man heard “yelping” from his neighbor’s home and suspects that his neighbor is harboring his runaway dog.

A llama was seen running down Johnson Lane.
       Oh! Oh! I wonder where the man on the bike is?

May 29
A loose llama was seen on Arena View Drive.
       Okay, now I’m worried about the llama.

A Kalispell resident reported that their neighbors killed and cooked their pet bunny on a barbecue.
       Now, that is just gross!!!!

May 30
A Somers woman accidently called 911 to find out what time it was.

A man dressed in all black was seen walking in “all directions” on Highway 2.
       The ghost of Johnny Cash?

The woman in Somers called 911 again to ask what day it was and was shocked to learn that it was Thursday.

June 2
A woman on Harmony Drive reported that her husband’s cousin’s girlfriend threatened to beat her up.
That’s because the woman on Harmony drive previously threatened to beat up her husband’s cousin’s girlfriend’s uncle’s wife’s brother.

A Somers woman accidently called 911 again to check on the time of day.
Someone needs to tell Uncle Henry to take Aunt Ethel’s phone away and get her a clock and a calendar.

June 3
A badly behaved man was asked to never return to McDonald’s.
       But it is oka,y if he hangs out at the Burger King.

Someone reported that a man sleeping in the trunk of a Ford Taurus threw out his trash onto Sager Lane.
He had to or there wouldn’t be room for the wife and kids.

June 4
Someone reported a “hippie van” on Kila Road.
       Was it tie-dyed?

June 5
Apparently, someone was mowing the grass in the homeless camp behind the old Walmart.
       Homeless people have pride too!

An employee of an Evergreen business reported that a Hungry Horse woman purchased a few items and then stole an air-soft gun and two flashlights. The employee was able to determine her name and address from the check she had written.
Lesson One in Thief School: Don’t pay with a check when buying the decoy items.

A Lakeside man reported that someone has been shooting arrows into his yard.
       A misguided Cupid?

June 6
A concerned Kalispell woman claimed that while she was talking to another woman on the telephone, she thought she heard the woman say the word “Unabomber”.
       Did I tell you about the crack problem in Montana?

There was talk of a cat-hoarder in the Hungry Horse area.
       Talk, only talk, don’t worry.

June 9
A Cougar Trail resident reported that the neighbor woman was outside wandering around naked doing “odd things to her body”.
       Did I tell you about the crack problem in Montana?

Paco’s Perspective

Ahhhhh! Small town life is the best. I hate the hustle and bustle of the big city.

The Flip Side

What’s a llama? Is a llama like a lizard? If it is, I’ll get it for you.

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