Small Town Crime (Part Deux)

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about the crime report in the local Bigfork newspaper The Bigfork Beacon. It got a huge response and my readers enjoyed it so much that I thought I would do a Small Town Crime part two. These are real crime reports and my comment follow in italics.

May 20

A woman on Second Avenue East reported that her ex-boyfriend was outside throwing fish sticks, scattering them about her yard.

       Better fish sticks than body parts.

A driver on Hutton Ranch Road reported that he intended to enact a citizen’s arrest on someone who had been tailgating him.

This make me think of that Andy Griffith episode where Barney yells, “Citizen’s arrest, citizen’s arrest!”

May 21

A resident on Yeoman Hall Road complained that his neighbors owned one too many pigs.

       I’m thinking one pig is one too many pigs.

Reportedly, three llamas were loose and running wild on Browns Meadow Road.

Llamas Gone Wild! A new idea for the guy who makes the Girls Gone Wild videos.

A Kalispell woman wearing a fishing vest and velvet pants reported that a dangerous family member with martial arts skills had invaded her residence. The woman was especially concerned that the intruder would throw out her organizational items.

Did I tell you that smoking crack is a big problem in Montana?

May 22

A resident on Parliament Drive reported that his verbally abusive neighbor was standing outside in a football jersey, drinking a beer.

A resident on Concord Lane reported that some sort of terrier sneaks into his yard every night. He was advised to capture it, if he feels safe doing so.

Two happy German shepherds were on the loose on Prairie View Road.

       How does one know that they were happy? Were they singing German drinking song while lapping beer from a stein?

May 27

Three donkeys and two horses were seen traveling together down Demersville Road.

       I hate it when donkeys and horses travel in packs.

May 28

Someone reported seeing a man on a bike chasing a llama down the highway.

Maybe that’s the way Montanians exercise their llamas.

A Kalispell man heard “yelping” from his neighbor’s home and suspects that his neighbor is harboring his runaway dog.

A llama was seen running down Johnson Lane.

       Oh! Oh! I wonder where the man on the bike is?

May 29

A loose llama was seen on Arena View Drive.

       Okay, now I’m worried about the llama.

A Kalispell resident reported that their neighbors killed and cooked their pet bunny on a barbecue.

       Now, that is just gross!!!!

May 30

A Somers woman accidently called 911 to find out what time it was.

A man dressed in all black was seen walking in “all directions” on Highway 2.

       The ghost of Johnny Cash?

The woman in Somers called 911 again to ask what day it was and was shocked to learn that it was Thursday.

June 2

A woman on Harmony Drive reported that her husband’s cousin’s girlfriend threatened to beat her up.

That’s because the woman on Harmony drive previously threatened to beat up her husband’s cousin’s girlfriend’s uncle’s wife’s brother.

A Somers woman accidently called 911 again to check on the time of day.

Someone needs to tell Uncle Henry to take Aunt Ethel’s phone away and get her a clock and a calendar.

June 3

A badly behaved man was asked to never return to McDonald’s.

       But it is oka,y if he hangs out at the Burger King.

Someone reported that a man sleeping in the trunk of a Ford Taurus threw out his trash onto Sager Lane.

He had to or there wouldn’t be room for the wife and kids.

June 4

Someone reported a “hippie van” on Kila Road.

       Was it tie-dyed?

June 5

Apparently, someone was mowing the grass in the homeless camp behind the old Walmart.

       Homeless people have pride too!

An employee of an Evergreen business reported that a Hungry Horse woman purchased a few items and then stole an air-soft gun and two flashlights. The employee was able to determine her name and address from the check she had written.

Lesson One in Thief School: Don’t pay with a check when buying the decoy items.

A Lakeside man reported that someone has been shooting arrows into his yard.

       A misguided Cupid?

June 6

A concerned Kalispell woman claimed that while she was talking to another woman on the telephone, she thought she heard the woman say the word “Unabomber”.

       Did I tell you about the crack problem in Montana?

There was talk of a cat-hoarder in the Hungry Horse area.

       Talk, only talk, don’t worry.

June 9

A Cougar Trail resident reported that the neighbor woman was outside wandering around naked doing “odd things to her body”.

       Did I tell you about the crack problem in Montana?

      

Paco’s Perspective

Ahhhhh! Small town life is the best. I hate the hustle and bustle of the big city.

The Flip Side

What’s a llama? Is a llama like a lizard? If it is, I’ll get it for you.

I Loved the Way Our Daddy Talked

Our daddy was a country boy through and through. He grew up on a farm in Princeton, Missouri. He walked country. He danced country. He played country. He talked and he lied country.

 I know it sounds crazy but country boys have a certain walk. They all have a “hitch in their get-along”. I think it comes from getting on and off tractors, walking through the fields and dodging all those cow patties.

Our daddy could dance. He called it the Sheep Herder Shuffle. He was a fine dancer. I don’t where he learned how to dance. When he was asked where and how he learned to dance. He would make up some story about going to a barn dance and having nothing to dance with but the cows. “And I aint talking about the girls from school!”

He lied country . . . . “Why when I went to school I had to walk ten miles . . . both ways   . . . uphill . . . in the snow . . .  barefoot.”

When I asked my grandmother about this tale she laughed and said, “It was about two miles as the crow flies and he had a horse that knew the way so he was able to sleep. That boy could sleep anywhere and through anything. Also, he had shoes and he was the oldest so he didn’t get hand-me-downs.”

He did all the things a boy does in the country to play. Squirrel hunting, “frog gigging” . . . “Clarence and me used to make your Aunt Colene stand in the middle of the field with a heavy coat on and we would shoot at her with our pellet gun. If she hollered when we hit her with a pellet, we knew we could kill frogs with that gun.” As a teen, he would even play country boy pranks . . . “One day a bunch of us’n snuck o’er to the Pratt boys’ farm in the middle of the night and took apart one of their wagons and put it back together up in the hayloft. We neared died from laughing when old man Pratt found his wagon up in the hayloft.” Country boys don’t need T.V. or video games to have a good time. Country boys can make a game out of a stick and some cow patties.

Our daddy had a way with words. I loved the way our daddy talked. Eloise Greenfield wrote a poem called “Honey, I Love” and in it she talks about how she loves the way her cousin talks. I have a text-to-self connection to this part of the poem and my daddy.

“I love

I love a lot of things,

a whole lot of things.

Like.

My cousin comes to visit

and you know he's from the South

‘cause every word he says

just kind of slides out of his mouth

I like the way he whistles

And I like the way he walks

But honey, let me tell you that

I LOVE the way he talks

I love the way my cousin talks”

I loved the way our daddy talked. Not only did the words slide right out of his mouth in a smooth country manner but he always had mouthful of crazy country sayings. He had a saying for every situation. Below are just a few of the things he would say:

It’s a vicious circle, like wiping your ass on a  rusty metal hoop.

You’re shaking like a dog shitting razor blades.

She’s so ugly you’d have to tie a pork chop around her neck for the dogs to play with her.

She’s so skinny she’d have to run around in the shower to get wet.

She’s homelier than an old mud fence.

That boy could eat corn on a cob through a picket fence.

It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

It’s colder than a well digger’s ass in July.

I asked Caren if she could think of any other sayings of our daddy’s  and she said, “The only one I can remember is ‘hold her Newt, I held her for you’. I never knew what that meant.”

Our daddy died at the too young age of fifty-four. I miss his “country-boy” ways. I miss the way he walked. I miss his stories. I miss watching him do the Sheep Herder Shuffle. I miss his lies but most of all I miss the way he talked.

I loved the way my daddy talked.

I loved the way he danced

and I loved the way he walked

but, Honey, let me tell you

that I loved the way he talked.

I loved the way my daddy talked.

Happy Fathers’ Day, Daddy. I know you, Uncle Clarence, Aunt Co and Brad are having a good ol’ country-boy time in heaven. Duck Aunt Co.

Paco’s Perspective

Hey, you forgot something your daddy said, “I aint that God damned dog’s dad!”

The Flip Side

SQUIRREL! Did you say squirrel hunting? I have learned the joy of squirrel hunting here in Montana.