Shtupid

There is stupid and then there is shtupid. The dictionary definition for stupid is lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind. A synonym for stupid listed in the dictionary is half-witted. I must admit I have done many stupid things in my life. And then there is shtupid. Shtupid is a word my brother-in-law, Steve, uses all the time. If you would ask Steve what shtupid means, he would tell you that it is beyond stupid. Shtupid is the epitome of stupid. As opposed to half-witted, shtupid is no-witted. This week I did something SHTUPID.

I would like to blame my shtupidity on my handicap because I have a tendency to do shtupid things because I am unable to do physical things. For example, I don't have a lot of strength in my hands, so it is difficult for me to unscrew lids, open soda cans, or squeeze clips together, therefore I use my teeth to do things, and I really shouldn't. God gave me some really strong teeth because He must have known I would need them to open things.

Here comes Shtupid! I had a huge pile of papers I needed to grade clipped together with one of those big black metal clips with the silver metal prongs to open and close it. Because it was a huge pile of papers, the clip was widely spread open which in turn made the metal prongs closer together. . . . . . . My "sistah", Janet, had gone out to the trashcan which for most is a short trip, but for Janet a trip to the trashcan can be like a trip to Canada. She has to stop and pick weeds, talk to the horses, clip flowers, buck hay, etc. etc. . . . . . . . . . Meanwhile back at Shtupid, I wanted to grade the papers, but I couldn't squeeze the prongs together with my hand, and I knew Janet had just left for Canada, so I proceeded to do what I always do and that is use my teeth. I stuck the prongs in my mouth, and used my teeth to squeeze the prongs together to release the papers out of the black metal clip. When the papers were released the clip closed all the way which in turn made the distance between the prongs much wider.

Yesh, Shtupid's mouth was forced open as wide as it could possibly get, and the prongs were stuck. I couldn't open my mouth any wider, and I couldn't squeeze the prongs together with my hands to get the clip out of my mouth. . . . . . . Janet is still in Canada . . . . . . .Meanwhile back at Shtupid, I am at that laughing, but crying stage. I am thinking this is incredibly funny, but it is starting to become inconvenient. I can't squeeze the prongs together. I don't want to yank the prongs out of my mouth and break my teeth because my teeth are one of my better features. But drool is building up in my mouth, and I am getting a cramp in my jaw!

I don't know how I did it, but I eventually forced the prongs out of my mouth just as Janet returned from her trip to Canada. Now I am trying to tell her the story, but I am laughing so hard that I am crying and I can't tell the whole story. Janet is laughing because I am laughing. When I finally get the story out between giggles, Janet is laughing so hard she has to cross her legs to keep from peeing, and she asks between tearful guffaws, "What would have happened,if you were here all by yourself and you couldn't get the clip out of your mouth?"

"I guess I would have had to call 911," I replied.

"What would you have said?" she giggled.

"Ha ma hame is Shuhid ann a ha a ki stu in ma outh!"

Paco's Perspective

There is stupid and then there is . . . . .Flip

The Flip Side

Did somebody call me?