Monday, February 15, 2010

Catasterous Disastrophy

As I have said in the past, I have a tendency to get into some precarious spots with my wheelchair. Sometimes the precarious positions are my own doing like getting stuck in a revolving door (Warning: revolving doors are not suitable for wheelchairs.) Then there are times when something will happen and I get in trouble through no fault of my own.

I use two tables in an upside down L-shape as my desk. My laptop is on the shorter part of the L, and two computers and scanners are on my right on the longer part of the L.
The other day I was working late. I was the only one in my office and the library area. I was attempting to put stats in the computer. I reached for a pile of papers from the table to my right (the button I drive my chair with is also on my right). The papers were heavier than I expected, or I am more crippled than I thought, and I dropped the pile of papers on my button with which I drive my chair.Man, I can't believe I can't even lift a stack of papers with one hand anymore. The weight of the papers FLUNG my chair forward. My chair proceeded to ram into the table in front of me.Oh, shit, I know what is going to happen. The force of the forward movement pushed my chair under the table. Yep, I knew that was going to happen.

My wheelchair driving button was under the table, and the weight of the table was pushing the button. The table was "driving" my wheelchair. The table would push the button forward, the table and I would fly forward and hit the bookshelf in front of my "desk".I can't reach the turn off button. Oh, I hope I don't knock over any bookshelves. If I do, that is going to hurt. The force of the impact would cause the table to push my button in reverse, and the table and I would zoom backwards until I rammed into something else and the force of that impact would cause the table and I to move forward again. Eventually, this has got to stop.

The table continued to drive me around my office . . .back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . back and forth. Everything that was on my "desk" had now been scattered all over my office floor. This is not going to stop! It looked as if an Office Depot cloud had rained in my office. Colorful office supplies were strewn across my floor like a field of daisies. I can't reach my turn off button on the wheelchair because as my wheelchair is being driven helter skelter around the office, and my body is being flung helter skelter. The office phone is a daisy in the corner that I am unable to pick. I am going to fall out of my wheelchair. It is going to hurt. I'm not wearing any underwear. The paramedics are going to see my ass!

I am fortunate that I carry a mobile phone on my person. As a matter of fact, I keep it in my bra. I actually keep it tuck in my cleavage which starts at my chin so I am able to pack quite a few items there. I knew these big boobs were good for something! Prior to this experience the school maintenance man, Al, has given me his mobile number and said, "If you ever need anything just call." As the table is still driving me all over the office (thank, God, it is small), and I am calling Al. He doesn't answer.Shit, Al! I remember seeing the principal, Norma, talking with someone in her office, so I call her. She doesn't answer. Shit, Norma! I call my "sistah", Janet, she answers, I yell help, emergency. Janet's room is on the other side of the campus, so I know it will take some time to get to my office. Unknown to me, Janet thinks that something has come undone from my chair, so she doesn't sprint across the campus. I remember seeing someone sitting near the phone in the front office, so I call that number. An office assistant, Maria, answers, and I explain that I need help right away, and she replies, "Okay, I will be there in a minute." I don't have a minute! Maria hears the distress in my voice and she tells the assistant principal, Sienna, that it sounds like I am crying. They proceed to saunter through the office, and then through the teachers' lounge, and then through the library. Maria sees what is happening to me and starts to run; Sienna sees Maria start to sprint, so in turn she begins to sprint across the library. It's about time!

As Sienna reaches my office and sees me ramming the table into the bookshelf she says, "What are you doing?" as if I have control of the situation. What the hell do you think I am doing? Sienna, eventually, surmises the calamity and lifts the table off of my chair and yells, "Pull her out! Pull her out!" Pull me out! Pull me out!

My chair cannot be moved by a human when it is in wheelchair drive, as poor Maria is trying to pull my chair out from under the table; the table "drives" me backward and has pinned her against another table and she is squeaking, "I can't move the chair."

The table is getting heavy and Sienna is starting to lose her grip so she is shouting, "Maria, go get Al!" Yea, because we have time for Maria to go find Al.

Maria is squeaking like a trapped mouse, "I can't move."

As Sienna is shouting, "Go get Al," Janet is entering the library. It's about time! She hears the shouting and comes running. Janet helps Sienna hold up the table, I finally position my body so I can reach my button to drive and I drive my chair out from under the table.

Sienna, Maria, and Janet ask in unison, "How did this happen?" Well, I was thinking what stupid predicament can I get myself into today, and this is all I could think of on such short notice.

I reply, "Well . . . . I was trying to . . .and then I . . . and then it . . . and then, and then, and then as the BFG would say, 'It was a redunculous catasterous disastrophy!"*
It is just too hard to explain.

They looked at me with a puzzled look and started to pick my Office Depot daisies.
Thank, God, the paramedics didn't have to see my ass!

Paco's Perspective

That wheelchair has a mind of its own. I think it plans the things that happen.
Like the time it ran over my paw.

The Flip Side

I like to ride on your chair!
I like to ride on your chair!

* The BFG by Roald Dahl


  1. Now that you are safe and sound, I am cracking a gigantor smile!! Wouldn't life be so boring without a little adventure now and then?

  2. I am thinking we need to make a remote control for the chair that you can wear in your bra, too. We could recreate the scene with a willing actress and use it as our promotional video. Then we sit back and watch the millions roll in. Whatcha think?

  3. You crack me up! Glad you are OK!