MacPuckzarelli

I have always felt that I would never have a man in my life. Let’s face it men are usually looking for someone that “the guys” will drool over or someone that will take care of them as well as their mommy. Don’t get me wrong I love men. I’m just a realist and I know all those years I spent with friends hanging out in bars wishing that some handsome man (Yes, we women are also on the search for “arm candy”.) would spot me from across the room and say to his friends, “Hey, the overweight crippled kid in the wheelchair is mine so stay away!” was a huge waist of time.  Over the years as I have read many romance novels and watched many hunks on T.V., in my mind I have designed the perfect man. My perfect man is a combination of Arthur Fonzarelli from “Happy Days”, Angus MacGyver from “MacGyver” and Noah Puckerman from “Glee”. If one combines the three names, one comes up with the lilting name of Noargus MacPuckzarelli.

It makes me sad to think that there is now many generations of people that don’t even have the slightest notion as to who Arthur Fonzarelli and Angus MacGyver are. Arhtur Fonzarelli was the motorcycle-riding, leather-jacket-wearing, bad boy on “Happy Days”. He invented cool and with a snap of his fingers men would quake and girls would swoon. But, of course, “The Fonz” or Fonzie had a side that was a soft as marshmallow fluff. He was wise beyond his years and had a soft spot in his heart for Richie Cunningham’s mom, Mrs. C. Mrs. C saw straight through the tough, cement-like exterior of The Fonz. She saw a kind, misunderstood boy that was only looking to fit in with the “not cool” crowd. Throughout those “Happy Days”-watching years, I knew Fonzie would date a crippled kid. Fonzie viewed others with his heart. He saw in people what was invisible to the eye. I dreamed of marrying The Fonz. I imagined him leaving for work to go to his blue-collar job in his leather jacket and jeans and on the way out the door giving me an ever so gentle kiss on the cheek, then getting on his motorcycle, giving me once last wink and a thumbs-up-“Aaaaaaaah” as he drove off into the sunrise leaving me on the porch of our simple but loving home with three little Fonzarellis at my side.

MacGyver is a whole different kind of man. He was somewhat attractive but what got me was his ability to build anything with a piece of wire and a Swiss Army knife. To this day when someone has to try and repair something in an unconventional way one says, “I guess I am going to have to ‘MacGyver’ this. Because MacGyver was so unconventional in his thoughts, home life (He lived on a boat.), and the way he did things I know he would have dated a crippled kid. I dreamed of marrying MacGyver. I imagined him leaving for work doing something secretive, (He too, like Fonzie, is a jeans wearing-man) and on the way out the door giving me an ever so gentle kiss on the cheek, but instead of he having to lean over to kiss me my wheelchair, that has been “MacGyvered”, rises up so my cheek is level with his lips, then getting in his Jeep, giving me once last wink as he drove off into the sunrise to save the world with nothing but his Swiss Army knife and a piece of wire leaving me on the porch of our extremely “MacGyvered” but loving home where if I want something out of the high cupboard all I have to do is push a button and it comes to me.

Noah Puckerman “Puck” is a womanizing cad on “Glee”. High school girls and women fall at his feet. But he, too, has a crack in his tough-guy exterior that oozes with sensitivity and to top it all off – he sings.  I love a man that sings. I don’t dream of marrying Noah Puckerman. He is much too young for me and that would be weird. But his ability to croon completes perfect man.

So now I wait and wait and wait for Noargus MacPuckzarelli to find me because that’s the way it happens in romance novels. Because I have a love for Captain Phil and swarthy pirates, when we meet he will introduce himself as Noarrrrrrrghus with a tiny bit of a Scottish accent We will first have a love-hate relationship because that’s the way it happens in romance novels. But he will realize that he can’t live without me and that I complete him and we will live happily ever after because that’s the way it happens in romance novels.

I dreamed of marrying Noargus MacPuckzarelli. I imagined him leaving for work as a super hero with his super hero costume under in his leather jacket and jeans and in his jean’s pocket is a Swiss Army knife and a piece of wire. We live in a cripple-kid-customized “MacPuckzarellied” house where everything works and if something breaks, it is fixed immediately to my liking. Noargus sings me awake in the morning and, like on “Glee”, we dance around the kitchen making breakfast. On the way out the door Noargus gives me an ever so gentle kiss on the cheek, then gets in his Lamborghini (Oh, did I forget to say we are stinking rich?), gives me once last wink and a thumbs-up-“Aaaaaaaah” as he drives off into the sunrise to save the world while our two perfect children, our well-trained dog and I wave good-bye.

Paco’s Perspective

I hate to throw a wrench into the “perfect man” works but what happened to your undying love for Clinton Kelly? What about Noargus Kelly-MacPuckzarelli? In your dream he could also pick out the perfect clothes for you before heading off to save the world.

The Flip Side

You need to either stop drinking or start drinking.