You Want Me to Do What?

The other day I made an attempt to order some parts for my wheelchair. My front tires are spent and I should have ordered them sometime ago, but there are times when I just hate jumping through hoops just to give someone my money. I called the company I ALWAYS go through for my wheelchair, and so I thought it would be somewhat easy and I would be able to get it done during my lunch break. Here is my conversation with the young man in the service department:


Julio: Service department, this is Hay yao. (It kind of sounded like Julio but I am not sure)

Me: I need to order some parts for my chair. I need two front tires and a side pad. 


Julio: What kida wheels you need?

Me (being the smart ass that I am): I was thinking I could use the round kind. But really I need two front tires.

I am think that the above smart ass comment got Julio and me off on the wrong foot. I was leading with my left foot and he was leading with his right foot and we couldn't get in sync with the music.


Julio: Do you mean the tires in the front? By the front casters?

Me (thinking to myself this guy sounds shtupid): Yes, my front tires are in the front and those are the ones I need.


Julio: What kind of chair do you have?


Me: I have an electric Invacare MK6i.


Julio: What's that mean?


Me (starting to get worried): It's electric and the name of it is an Invacare.


Julio: What size tires do you want?


Me: I don't know should I measure them?


Julio: You could come here and then I could see what kind of tire you need.

Me: I live in Buckeye about fifty miles from your company and my work is about thirty miles from your company. I really don't want to drive all that way just so you can look at the tires.


Julio (starting to get P Od): You need to give me the serial number.


Me: Well, I don't have any of the paperwork with me, but I get my chair fixed their all the time and I bought the chair from your company wouldn't you have me in the computer?


Julio: Yea, no.


Me (thinking, Yea, no? What the ____ is yea no?) The gentleman that sold me the chair is named Matt and his cubicle is maybe ten yards away from the service desk. Maybe he would have the paperwork on file.


Julio: The serial number is on your chair.


Me: Okay, where would that be?


Julio: It is on the inside of the frame or under the seat. You need to kinda crawl under the chair and look for it. 


Me: You want me to get out of my chair and get on the ground and crawl under the chair and look for the serial number.


Julio: There is also a box in the back of the chair and you could remove the lid and look there.


Me: Oh, so if I don't want to get on the floor I can JUST get out of my chair and WALK around to the back and find the serial number.


Julio (shouting at someone in the background): No, I don't have that chair done yet. I have to help this lady and then I have to run to St. Joe's and fix something over there. 


Me: Probably before you start shouting at people in the background you might want to put the phone on hold.


Julio: Huh? Did you find that serial number?

Me: Well, Julio, I have some bad news for you. I am HANDICAPPED AND I CAN'T WALK, so it is virtually impossible for me to GET OUT OF my wheelchair and WALK around to the back or CRAWL underneath. I am thinking that YOU could walk the ten yards to Matt's cubicle and seek his assistance.


Julio (shouting to someone in the background, AGAIN): No, I ain't done and I haven't had no lunch yet.


Me: That would be not and any.

Julio: Huh?


Me: I am not done and I haven't had any lunch, yet. (The grammar teacher in me can't let anything slide.)

Julio: Me neither, did you find that serial number yet?


That was it. That was the last straw. I had to release the mean bitch.

Me (with a little bit of snippy in my voice): Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't you go fix that chair that you should have had done a long time ago, go run your errand at St. Joe's and on the way back stop and get a little bite to eat. While you are out I'll call Matt and do your job for you and get the serial number, since apparently you are unable to walk across your establishment and speak to Matt. I am thinking if you didn't want to get up you could shout his name and he might answer, but don't strain yourself!


Julio: Okay (and he hung up).


I  would just like Julio to know that he is lucky I am crippled or I would snatch him bald-headed, I would knock him into next week, I would take him out, I would make like Dirty Harry and make his day, It would be me and Julio down by the schoolyard!

Paco's Perspective

Do you want me to beat Julio up?

The Flip Side

Do you think Julio can chase lizards?